90% of my job is squinting at my monitor when somebody walks by so it looks like I’m concentrating on some work. -TheCatWhisprer
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home… -TheBoydP
Just had to show a coworker where the secret stash of binder clips are. I’m now a black market office supply dealer. -mariawalker17
Coworker: Why didn’t you decorate for Halloween?
Me: I did, see my cubicle has a corpse in it and is haunted by my dead aspirations.
My morning commute takes anywhere between 30 minutes and 2 hours depending on traffic and how long I sit in the car before going inside. -TheCatWhisprer
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is I like to cuddle as I fall asleep. -WilliamAder
[staff meeting] “Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”-caliluvgirl77
In a meeting.
Can I go first? Thanks.
Gets up and leaves.
“I feel a little off today.”
- Me, working on my plan for not being at work tomorrow.
I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, “mind if I join?” -shutupmikeginn
Well sir, I doubt everyone will be so upset my desk is “infested” with caterpillars once the office is “infested” with beautiful butterflies-pjtlynch
Just waiting to see how long until my coworkers realize that my robbery story is just the lyrics to Gloria Gaynor’s “I will Survive”. -WoodyLuvsCoffee
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
10:00 am: sitting alone at work
10:05 am: my pudding cup is my new best friend
10:06 am: ate my best friend
10:07 am: sitting at work alone
Getting a monthly salary is like getting a period. If you’ve fucked around, it gives you momentary relief, but then it gets over in 5 days. -effyourstylist
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT -IamEnidColeslaw
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body -Pixelated Boat
Boss: It’s marked Urgent. Get it done ASAP.
Me: Sure, I’m a pro –
Me: – crastinator. So, tomorrow. Kbai.
At office: “I’ll do this at home, comfortably w some tea & all relaxed”
*goes home gets in bed* “Too cosy to work. Need a proper desk” – me
I have 11 missed calls ftom my boss I can only assume that its because hes super excited to give me a raise -NoticablyBacon
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office? -John Lyon
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Coworker: lovely weather we’re having
Me: please don’t do this.
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
my co-worker got a new apartment & i told her about the guy who got decapitated in her neighborhood last week. office life isn’t for me. -suesmith666
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
If you ask me to stay at work past 5 o’clock, you better be serving cocktails. -sarcasticmommy