1. Parenting tip: when a child says “I picked it up and put it right back”…’right back’ really means a 30 foot radius where it may be hidden. @CoachChiv

2. train your kids to kill spiders so THEY can be the ones to do it. @GayAtHomeDad

3. Parenting Tip: when your child tells you he is having bad dreams, “It’s okay, Pal, reality is much scarier” will not comfort him. @TheAlexNevil

4. Parenting Tip: If your kids suddenly start getting along and are nice to each other for no reason, be very, very suspicious. @Cheeseboy22

5. A little parenting tip: If you don’t know where your children are in the house… Turn off the internet and watch them magically appear. @realjjewels

6. Tonight’s parenting lesson: If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF. I need a shower. @XplodingUnicorn

7. Parenting survival tip: Wear clothes that match the furniture. My kids can’t find me because I look like I’m part of the couch @XplodingUnicorn

8. Hide the matches to a dozen socks and ask the kids to find them. Now go sit and enjoy a hot cup of coffee. You’re welcome. @CrazyExhaustion

9. Parenting tip: when your kid insists on “playing trains” pretend to be Henry stuck in a tunnel. Then you don’t have to move or do anything. @alicere

10. Parenting Tip: Take kids to pumpkin patch. Let them pick out any pumpkin. but make them carry it to the car. They’ll never want to go again. @Cheeseboy22

11. Parenting tip: telling a three-year-old that her dried-up markers are a “first world problem” will not stop her from crying. @jenniferweiner

12. Parenting Pro-Tip: Don’t talk about yourself as a failure of a parent…. to your children. @IanMenard

13. Parenting tip: If your kid is driving you crazy, make him a paper airplane & turn on the ceiling fan. That will buy you at least 8 minutes. @Cheeseboy22

14. It’s important not to play favorites, so I make sure my kids know I dislike all of them equally. @DebraJenson

15. Parenting tip: Wine. @FrozenSighs

16. When your kid comes and asks you for duct tape, it is always a bad thing. @Cheeseboy22

17. Parenting tip: No good ever comes from a toddler sitting naked on the couch. @smilely_gal

18. Parenting lesson #1: pick your battles @maggie162

19. Parenting tip: Have two kids so you can keep your lazy butt in the car & say, “Go get your brother” when picking one up at a friends house. @Cheeseboy22

20. Pro Tip: The quickest way to get a toddler to hold your hand is to put them in roller skates. They won’t let go of you. @ParentNormal

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