1. Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that’s not allowed if the baby is yours. @mommyshorts

2. Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night. @Hypercraxy

3.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half. @ValeeGrrl

4. I don’t care how cute your kid is. When you wake up in the middle of the night and see them standing next to your bed, they are terrifying. @maughammom

5.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space @_Mo_lee_

6. In case you were wondering, the loudest sound in the world is my kid screaming, “Are you pooping?!?” in a public restroom. @UnfilteredMama

7.
3yo (in bathroom): Mummy, can I put this sticker on Daddy’s card?
Me (in bed): Yes.
3yo: Will he love it?
Me: Yes. @Dempster2000

8. I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, “I’m NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I’ve been whispering. Now I’m free!” @JennyPentland

9.
First kid: healthy, organic everything.
After third kid: KFC chicken leg falls on floor – just pick it up and eat it, I don’t care. @KateWhineHall

10. Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock. @amydillon

11.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?
Xanax. @Marlebean

12.
Me to baby: Say Dada!
Husband: You don’t want her first word to be Mama?
Me: Hell no! The other 2 won’t leave me alone. This one’s yours. @CrazyExhaustion

13.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will just eat cereal.
It’s science. @sarcasticmommy4

14. Never, & I mean NEVER make eye contact with a child on the verge of falling asleep.They will sense your excitement & abort mission! @CaffeineandF

15. My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game. @KateWhineHall

16.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor? @SardonicTart

17. Parenthood is: Telling your kids they can’t eat brownies for breakfast, then eating brownies for breakfast after they leave for school. @MidgardMomma

18.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know.. @FoxyWinePocket

19. My 11yo wrote me an apology for misbehaving in the car that included “I love you so much but sometimes forget to care about your existence.” @Manda_like_wine

20.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh @Book_Krazy

21. My son still pronounces “fish” as “bitch,” I can’t wait to take him to the beach this summer to look for bitches. @WorkingMom86

22.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go. @LurkAtHomeMom

23.
Ever notice in the story of the 3 bears, Papa Bear’s porridge is piping hot, baby’s is perfect, & poor Mama Bear’s is cold?
I get it now. @DomesticGoddss

24.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER. @LetMeStart

25. There are Olympians who began intense training regimens at age 5, but sure, son, keep licking the bathtub. @mommy_cusses

26.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school? @ValeeGrrl

27.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break. @HousewifeOfHell

28. I watched Sleeping Beauty with my son and then I had to explain to him the importance of consent. @WorkingMom86

29. “It’s okay, little buddy. Mommy cries when her bottle is empty, too.” @thatcarlygirl

30. 4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said “People are a prototype” and I was too scared to ask what he meant. @FeralCrone

31.
Parenting a newborn:
30% feeding
50% changing diapers
20% worrying
80% becoming so sleep deprived that you forget how to do basic math @LurkAtHomeMom

32.
What I say to my son: “Get dressed.”
His interpretation: “Stand around naked watching television with one sock on.” @est1975blog

33. If you mean getting my 3yo to change out of her Elsa dress into regular clothes everyday, then yes I do participate in extreme sports. @MummaCrazy

34. My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses. @WorkingMom86

35. When I want my kids to eat something the best chance I have is to put it on MY plate, where apparently food becomes immediately appetizing. @yenniwhite

36. You don’t know fear until you hear your 2yo flush the toilet and yell “BYE BYE” from the hall bathroom. @lilwestman

37. Sorry I’m late, my son noticed his pupils were circles and he wants square ones. @WorkingMom86

38. I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because “his leaves are getting on our lawn.” @est1975blog

39. Running away after dropping the kids at grandma’s house like @ValeeGrrl

40. A baby shower game requested everyone write parenting advice on a notecard, so I wrote down my favorite margarita recipe. @PetrickSara

41.
My husband brought the kids to a baseball game so I woke them up at 2am to feed them candy.
No way I’m losing the “favorite parent” battle. @Carbosly

42.
“Will I ever live in a clean house again?”
*shakes magic 8 ball
*magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess @WorkingMom86

43.
I asked my son what time he wanted me to wake him up on the 1st day of school:
“6:30, so I can shower & cry.” @sarcasticmommy4

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