44. My 3 year-old is tumbling off furniture and holding a lollipop-like she’s training to fall down at a frat party without dropping her beer. @mcarisa

Me: It’s an old phone.
6: Like a 4S?
Me: No. Like a house phone that’s attached to the wall with a cord.
6: I don’t understand. @StellaGMaddox

46. Hospitals should really send a nurse home with new moms, just to help out, not forever but maybe for the first 18 years or so. @LurkAtHomeMom

47. When a mom brings her kids to my house for a play date & announces she’s brought glitter for a craft project @ValeeGrrl

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls? @Book_Krazy

49. Kids: Because having money, sanity, hair and personal space is overrated. @BlackCatBettie

50. Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes. @MomOfTeen

51. Dance like only your kid is watching, cook like no one will scream they hate it, and sneeze like you won’t pee your pants. @shriekhouse

52. Don’t be so hard on yourself. The mom in E.T. had an alien life form living in her house for days and she never even noticed. @BPMbadassmama

53. “You look fancy,” my 3-year-old tells me when I put on pants with a button. @amydillon

When you’re a parent, sometimes you get to take mini-vacations.
These are also known as trips to the bathroom without your child knowing. @sarcasticmommy4

55. Every time I’ve clapped at a school play it’s been a lie. @bourgeoisalien

56. Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair. @LetMeStart

57. Your child’s favorite toy is whichever one they just lost. @mommy_cusses

[Puts kids to bed, pours glass of wine, settles in on the couch and turns on TV]
“Ahhh. Finally I get to watch Peppa Pig in peace..” @_NikkaBee

59. Parenting is fun if you’re into things like cooking for people who aren’t hungry. @LurkAtHomeMom

Saturday morning wake up: 6:30am
Sunday morning wake up: 5:47am
Monday morning: 8:12am still sleeping & missed the bus
-my kids @buriedwithkids

61. When your child and your dog disappear upstairs for an hour, you should totally be suspicious. @KateOfHysteria

62. I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids. @sarcasticmommy4

63. My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing. @LurkAtHomeMom

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop @ValeeGrrl

65. When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was. @amydillon

66. As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers. @PinkCamoTO

67. Kids are just sober versions of drunk you – laughing, crying, then puking everywhere. @OneFunnyMummy

Every time a child goes back to school, an angel gets its wings.
And by angel, I mean an exhausted mother and by wings I mean a mimosa. @martinisandmini

Being a parent is kind of like being a taxi driver.
Except you don’t get paid & all of your customers complain that they’re thirsty. @sarcasticmommy4

70. “everything you’re doing as a parent is wrong” the new parenting book by everyone on the internet @bourgeoisalien

71. When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.” @3sunzzz

“My hair’s not messy. It’s on an adventure.”
- My 9-year-old daughter, officially kicking off her career as my spiritual advisor. @LetMeStart

73. The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

74. It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge. @nicfit75

75. If you Google “delusional optimism” you’ll see a picture of a mom standing in a newly organized playroom. @LurkAtHomeMom

76. What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that. @HousewifeOfHell

Me: “Good morning!”
5yo: “Mom, you don’t have to say that. I just saw you yesterday.” @maughammom

Her: All our children’s snacks are organic.
Me: Cool. My kid eats candy off the floor. @PinkCamoTO

79. “I’m the boss,” I whisper as I fill a bowl of water for my kid’s stuffed dog, and then comply with the fake dog’s request for ice. @ashleyaustrew

80. Parenting means sometimes you ask your child what they’re eating and they pull an entire multi-strand beaded necklace out of their mouth. @KateWhineHall

81. Ah, hello empty bowl in the fridge. And salutations to you, empty milk container. Greetings empty bread sack. I see my teens have been here. @MomOfTeen

82. I’m just a girl. Standing in front of a coffee mug. Hoping to drink it before it’s cold. @yenniwhite

83. Parenting Level: Approving my kids’ friends based on which parents I think would drink wine with me during playdates. @maughammom

New plan. Instead of exercising & eating better, I’m just going to tell everybody I’m 4 months pregnant.
For the rest of my life. @Jenn_H_Scott

85. Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row. @KateWhineHall

86. Before I had kids, I didn’t even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a granola bar. @LurkAtHomeMom

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