87. I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork. @PinkCamoTO

88. My 6 year old emptying his backpack in the kitchen on the last day of school like @LurkAtHomeMom

We Polled 100 Moms To Find Their Top 5 Favorite Hiding Spots:
5. Psych Ward
4. Internet
3. Inside Own Head
2. Costa Rica
1. Bathroom @JennyPentland

90. You know what I want for Mother’s Day? I want to stop being bombarded with bullshit commercials about Mother’s Day. @TheBloggess

91. I don’t wanna say my 4yo is unfocused but this am instead of brushing his teeth he took off his underpants & slingshot them into the toilet. @toulouseNtonic

92. If you haven’t used a juice box as a chaser, then you probably haven’t reached your lowest point in parenting yet. @WorkingMom86

93. I googled “keeping a clean house with kids” and the results came back as ads for various types of alcohol. @WorkingMom86

94. In the dictionary, the definition of “tedious” just has a picture of a toddler trying to open a Capri Sun by himself. @PaigeKellerman

95. I wish I had the optimism of a mom who puts fresh fruit into lunch boxes every morning. @Donna_McCoy

Me: *gets baby down for a nap*
Neighbor: *revving leaf blower* oh hell yeah, let’s do this! @LurkAtHomeMom

97. Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was. @jennawrites

98. We plan to be kind patient moms who accept our kids exactly as they are then we see them take 45 mins to eat a goddamn bowl of Lucky Charms. @LetMeStart

99. My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”. @Faux_Ma

“Watch me poop. Now watch me peepee.”
My toddler’s version of Whip and Nae Nae @Marlebean

101. Tell me again how I look good “for a mom” so I can literally set you on fire using only my red-hot rage. @ValeeGrrl

102. You aren’t a real mom until you have a car with an overstuffed glove compartment filled with napkins stolen from fast food restaurants. @SteussieErica

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever @OneFunnyMummy

104. You may not have candy for breakfast, now finish your pop tart. @laneymg

105. An exciting thing about kids is that they’ll wake up screaming at 2 am, and you won’t know if they’re dying or if their “mouth feels spicy.” @cray_at_home_ma

106. “Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl. @amydillon

Dear past self:
Being a mom sounds fun? Walk a mile in my shoes, plz.
Full disclosure: the left one is full of baby puke. @momesty

108. Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels. @nicfit75

Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.” @cray_at_home_ma

110. I’ve heard that different textures are good for kids, which is why my dining room table is so crumby. And sticky. @FunnyIsFamily

111. Did you know, when kids go to bed, you can hear yourself think again? I sound fabulous. @PaigeKellerman

112. My teen just texted asking if she could go to the Met tonight. Yeah, like I’ve never seen an episode of Gossip Girl. @MarinkaNYC

113. If you haven’t listed every single thing your kid is afraid of and hates to eat and told them “THAT’S WHAT JAIL IS” You’re doing it wrong. @kellyoxford

114. After repeatedly telling my kids to get ready for school, it appears they believe this request is optional. @sarcasticmommy4

My greatest frustration used to be people talking down to me because I’m a woman.
Now it’s just Thomas the Train. @MyMomologue

116. My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own. @WorkingMom86

117. The hardest yoga position is the one where you spread your legs, push push push and a baby comes out @DancesWithTamis

118. Googling Literally Everything: A New Mom’s Story @LoriFradkin

119. For once, I wish weather men would give accurate forecasts. “Cold, cloudy, and a 99% chance the baby will cover the kitchen in paprika.” @PaigeKellerman

120. Glad I got a college degree to pick up all these socks. @amydillon

121. The singular sign of a parent who is doing their job is their unwillingness to let their children watch the Star Wars prequels. @dooce

122. Rock-A-Bye-Baby is without a doubt my most favorite song about a baby falling from great heights after poor placement of the cradle. @CatherineLMK

123. It’d be cool if my kids could make something I actually want, like a bottle of wine, out of macaroni and glue. @Smethanie

124. “Hey, who makes the rules in this house?” I ask my kids, genuinely curious. @amydillon

125. My son’s first draft of his teacher appreciation card: “I know I’m a pain in your crack, but don’t throw me back.” So (not) proud! @WendiAarons

126. Oh HI Mom in the carpool line! I wasn’t actually waving, just digging a rogue tater tot out of my bra– but HEY right back at ya. @robinobryant

127. If parenthood was one of those choose your own adventure books, every ending would likely result in a mess, laundry or losing lots of money. @NoDomesticDiva

128. I’m quite certain the phrase “Weapons of Mass Destruction” was originally used for siblings who are nearing the end of summer break. @martinisandmini

129. I love having teenage daughters because I wouldn’t otherwise ever know about songs like Just Give Me a Reason by Pink. I love it. @thepioneerwoman

130. Don’t be so hard on yourself. The mom in E.T. had an alien life form living in her house for days and she never even noticed. @BPMbadassmama

131. Neat birthday party trick: dump Swedish Fish in a small fish bowl, tell all the kids the fish died, stick your face in the water & eat them. @KelleysBreakRm

132. Best thing about Harry Potter: on World Book Day you can just scribble on a kid’s head and give them a bin-bag “cloak”. @caitlinmoran

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