26. I hate when I try to order a salad and my mouth says, “I’ll have a double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.” @JimGaffigan
27. Every morn’ we drive by the same spot on I-85 and the smell makes my mouth water. Found out today. Purina dog food plant. @prattprattpratt
28. I just got cold while I was eating ice cream, so instead of stopping eating ice cream, I put on a jacket. @LizHackett
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please” @AimeeHelene1
30. I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart. @juneohara65
Me: [crying so hard I can't breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done @mdob11
32. The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history. @PaulyPeligroso
Really? A fucking salad??
- Julius Caesar coming back to life @DaddyJew
34. 90% of a relationship is figuring out where to eat @IamEnidColeslaw
35. A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive. @ceejoyner
36. Just disassembled my sandwich and put chips on it in the middle of a business meeting like a 9-year-old. A totally awesome 9-year-old. @TheCatWhisprer
Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”
Baker: “No diggity?”
Me: “Baguette up.” @ojedge
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza* @CulturedRuffian
39. My new diet is to pay people to tell me how thin I look. @michaelianblack
40. My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left. @CelebrityChez
41. So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist @audipenny
42. “Let’s just share a dessert”, said the worst person on the planet. @mdob11
43. Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon @KMADrunner
44. I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing. @Donna_McCoy
Her: I’m going to the gym
Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine @Sean_Burgundy_
-The name’s Bond. James Bond.
-I’ve written Bond now.
-Oh. Can you change it or is it too late?
-When your coffee’s ready they’ll call Bond @mutablejoe
47. I just opened up a pizza box and the heat fogged up my glasses like some sort of nerd who saw something sexy @MarieColette
“Is there any pizza left, dad?”
[slowly licking each individual slice of pizza while maintaining eye contact] No @Reverend_Scott
49. Just choked on an apple seed. This is what I get for trying to eat healthy. Reese’s Peanut Butter cups don’t pull this shit. @moooooog35
50. Godzilla on his smartphone, googling ‘How many carbs does Tokyo have’ @Eenfidel