51. If I were Tinkerbell, my pixie dust would be shredded cheese. @AimeeHelene1

52. Another day, another 13,000 calories. @andylassner

Therapist: When you’re upset, close your eyes and go to your happy place
Me: [tries to drive to a road side taco stand with my eyes closed] @Elizasoul80

54. My bucket list is basically a list of places I want to eat. @khook32

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39″
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.” @FrenulumBreve

“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically @murrman5

* Rides off into the sunset *
* Rides back five minutes later because there weren’t snacks * @amishschool

58. I’d pay for newspaper delivery if instead of a newspaper they’d put a breakfast burrito in that little bag. @simoncholland

59. Leftovers are for quitters @Jake_Vig

60. Guac should be free at Chipotle if you can correctly pronounce “Chipotle.” @jimmyfallon

61. Apparently, my daily diet is known in athletic circles as “carb loading.” @KentWGraham

*approaches hot blonde at supermarket*
“Excuse me but has anyone ever told you that you’re blocking the fucking Lunchables?” @shadygrenade

63. I wish you’d just tell me what I did wrong instead of ordering me a burrito without cheese. @amydillon

64. I love dresses with pockets because I look like a fancy lady while also keeping my cheez-its accessible. @lisaxy424

Parmesan Sir?
“Yes please”
Say when.
*Grates Parmesan*
*Grates fingers*
*Grates entire hand*
Please…I have a family. @EndhooS

66. endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS @nice_mustard

*Orders pizza*
What a night
*Phone buzzes*
And a text? Killing it
*checks phone*
ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising @thenatewolf

68. Winter is really just a 3 month long eating contest. @Ivsy01

69. please don’t open up a new can of whoop ass when there is already an opened one in the refrigerator @DanKCharnley

[Hamburglar returns home from a long day of burger stealing]
another long day at work stealing burgers.
Wife: we need money not burgers @internetluke

71. I spent today resenting the food pyramid. @juneohara65

72. Will work for food. Except carrots. Also no beans or vegetables. Fruits also out. Also, anything “grainy.” Five Guys or In & Out is OK. @Cheeseboy22

73. “Here, take my card,” I say as I pull a slice of cheddar cheese out of my wallet. @Gooooats

74. You know it’s love when you’re not to embarrassed to give him your REAL Starbucks order @WhitneyCummings

16: Mom, do we have any cheese?
Me: Bring me my purse.
Me: I said, bring me my purse!
16: Cheese?

76. I eat sunflower seeds because I like food but I absolutely love littering @ScorpionDong

77. I hate when I try to order a salad and my mouth says, “I’ll have a double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.” @JimGaffigan

78. Me: Is there a place to get pizza around here? Girl who has been to Europe: I have been to Europe @shutupmikeginn

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