Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner? @DaddyJew
2. Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn. @Dawn_M_
3. Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you. @JennyJohnsonHi5
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy @KalvinMacleod
5. Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way. @MaraWilson
SNICKERS COMMERCIAL: You’re not you when you’re hungry
ME: [always hungry] ..who am I @AbrasiveGhost
Food delivery is a combination of my three favorite things:
2. Not moving
3. Avoiding people @MarcusTheToken
8. I like to pretend tech execs are always talking about how big the sub they ate for lunch was @qrush
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount @tchrquotes
10. It upsets me when restaurants think they are too good for ketchup. No one is too good for ketchup. Ketchup is too good for you. @edsheeran
11. I suspect that low-carb diets work not because they are healthier, but because without carbs I simply lose the will to eat. @AnnaKendrick47
12. I’m on the snake diet. It’s the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you. @ashleyaustrew
13. The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins. @AndyAsAdjective
14. I can’t turn water into wine, but I can turn ice cream into breakfast. @LouisPeitzman
15. What’s a 27-letter word for “Corn”? @AaronFullerton
16. When one door closes, another one opens. And then closes. And then opens. It’s the fridge. It’s me in front of the fridge. @AbbyHasIssues
17. People who think you can’t be happy and sad at the same time have obviously never eaten all the cookies in the house in one sitting. @PinkCamoTO
WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those. @Book_Krazy
19. I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich. @BiIIMurray
20. Pizza burned the inside of my mouth and I don’t really understand why the things I love keep hurting me. @CauseWereGuys
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos? @iwearaonesie
Waitress: what can I get for you?
Me: i’ll have the steak
W: how would you like it?
Me: immediately @DaddyJew
*calls up pizza place*
WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVEN? IF YOU’RE TRYING TO TEAR MY FAMILY APART IT’S WORKING @KyleMcDowell86
24. “I don’t want a whole dessert, let’s just get two spoons” – Former friends of mine. @AnnaKendrick47
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me: sure @PaperWash