ok dont let them know i stalked them online
them: my aunt–
me: theresa or sharon @garyfromteenmom
Me: (Be cool, don’t let her know you miss Harambe)
Date: I’ll have the banana pudding
Me: You know who else liked bananas @cool_as_heck
3. Wear crocs on every first date @BadAdviceDog
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on? @dafloydsta
5. Me on a first date @tropicocunt
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
and I invented oatmeal @DanMentos
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger* @murrman5
Her: you ok?
Me: just nervous, I don’t date much
Her: you’re doing fine
[I go to take a drink, but It's the candle & I set my face on fire] @T_N_Crumpets
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo @daemonic3
Him: You look tense
Me: I’m so nervous
Him: Aw. Just be you
Me: IVE BEEN HOLDING IN A FART THAT MIGHT LAUNCH ME TO CANADA @SufficientCharm
11. date:..and so after mom died my brother and i raised ourselves m: do you ever pretend youre an agent of shield i do @prettysadmostly
12. me after a glass of wine on the first date @ShameusSeamus
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria's Secret catalog that I've clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.” @Elizasoul80
Peanut butter type, brand and frequency?
~ important first date question @junejuly12
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION @msdanifernandez
16. giving out advice instead of candy. kids can get m&ms anywhere but who’s gonna tell’em to never fuck a guy who says I love u on the 1st date @morgan_murphy
Maybe next time i could meet your dog
Your dog is so cool
Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you @LaziestCanine
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
me: shit she knows @dyldonot
19. *I notice you pulling up across the street for our first date and skip over to you, the change in my cargo pockets signaling my wealth* @danjan13
20. honestly im just looking for a girl who’s ok with going to kohls on a first date @dubstep4dads