5: daddy can I tell you a secret?— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) June 9, 2015
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands
The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 5, 2014
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 27, 2014
at least we don't have to save for college
[bed time]— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 28, 2016
Me: Your mom told you to stay in bed.
3-year-old: There's a scary monster in my closet
Me: Scarier than Mom?
3: *goes to bed*
My 2-y-o can figure out how to work the TV remote, but can't find his mouth while eating spaghetti.— Matt Brennan (@SpiralingMatt) June 14, 2015
My son can now reach the light switches so don't come over my house unless you're really into raves or want to have a seizure.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 21, 2013
[looking up at the night sky]— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 9, 2016
Me: You can make a wish on any star you want.
5-year-old: Which one is the Death Star?
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.— nice eric (@ericsshadow) March 25, 2016
Me: goodnight kids— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) August 15, 2015
Kids: goodnight dad
Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad
Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT
I constantly google "how to put your kids up for adoption" so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I'm not messing around.— Goats? (@Gooooats) February 18, 2016
[finally gets the car seat installed correctly]— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2015
Me: Where’s the baby?
Wife: In college.
[At dinner]— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 3, 2016
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it's 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Don't ask me if I've seen a new movie.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 11, 2016
I have four little girls.
If there wasn't a singing princess in it, the answer is no.
Random lady: What's your name?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 24, 2015
5-year-old: Thorin, son of Thrain, King under the Mountain
Lady:*looks at me confused*
Me: Bow to the king
Son: am I adopted?— Lloyd Rang (@lloydrang) June 26, 2013
Me: not yet, but we're hopeful.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 10, 2015
I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 11, 2015
Me: There's my big girl.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 8, 2015
3-year-old: I'm not a big girl!
Me: There's my little girl.
3: I'm not little!
Me: What are you?
3: A dragon.
[5:45 AM, in a harsh whisper]— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 21, 2015
Daddy, don't worry, you can sleep. I'm making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the oven?
Me: I'm up.