Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space @_Mo_lee_
2. New plan. Instead of exercising & eating better, I’m just going to tell everybody I’m 4 months pregnant. @Jenn_H_Scott
3. My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”. @Faux_Ma
4. Running away after dropping the kids at grandma’s house like @ValeeGrrl
7: I’m beating you!
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
My son on the carousel horse in front of me. @charliedelta7
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food* @Playing_Dad
7. When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was. @amydillon
Steps babies take to learn about the world:
5) destroy @XplodingUnicorn
9. Parenting is fun if you’re into things like cooking for people who aren’t hungry. @LurkAtHomeMom
10. Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late. @simoncholland
11. I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids. @sarcasticmommy4
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
How about now?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD @KalvinMacleod
Me: [in bathroom]
7yo: [knocks] MOMMY?
Me: Yeah pal
7: IT’S ME
Me: I know
7: YOUR SON
Me: Knew that too @ValeeGrrl
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine. @mompsychologist
15. My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids. @3sunzzz
16. Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow. @Papa_Preaches
3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP!
ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door* @MUMSIEesq
18. “No man in his own home should have to choose between Frozen or Barbie band-aids” I yell to no one in particular. @DowntimeDad
19. VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year @ParentNormal
20. When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal. @LoveNLunchmeat