4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said "People are a prototype" and I was too scared to ask what he meant.— Kristin (@FeralCrone) February 7, 2015
Before I had kids, I didn't even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a granola bar.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 3, 2014
The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 5, 2014
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 15, 2013
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 7, 2015
My 3yo "accidentally" unspooled the entire roll of toilet paper. But don't worry, he "fixed" it. pic.twitter.com/MFKWJ2rNqi— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) October 24, 2014
Mom: *tastefully decorates house*— Goats? (@Gooooats) November 14, 2015
Kid: HERE ARE 20 MILK CARTONS I TAPED TOGETHER TO MAKE A SNOWMAN I EXPECT THIS TO BE PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED
Why even pick up their toys when they're gonna move out in 18 to 30 years anyway?— CRYSTAL KAY (@PLATINUM2000) June 25, 2015
In case you were wondering, the loudest sound in the world is my kid screaming, "Are you pooping?!?" in a public restroom.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 19, 2016
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 23, 2014
70% of parenting is just melting cheese on stuff to try and get your kids to eat it.— Babies Daddy (@dshack8) July 12, 2015
The other 30% is dipping it in ketchup.
There is little difference between how a horse eats hay and the way my children consume spaghetti.— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) November 22, 2015
Dear kids,— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) June 23, 2014
The 1st time was funny
The 2nd time was a recap
The 3rd was mildly agitating
The 493rd time is shut the hell up
Me: "How many kisses do you need from me?"— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) March 16, 2015
3yo: "Probably just zero."
Living on the edge as a parent means trying to sneak cookies while your kids are still awake.— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) February 16, 2016
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would "have a piece of cheese and calm down"— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) June 14, 2016
So, yeah, she's mine.
[Puts kids to bed, pours glass of wine, settles in on the couch and turns on TV]— Nikka Bee (@_NikkaBee) August 16, 2015
"Ahhh. Finally I get to watch Peppa Pig in peace.."
My favorite part of parenting is always having someone around who doesn't yet realize that I am a deeply flawed individual.— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 24, 2016
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old's shirt is on backward* It's cute how you let her dress herself.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2015
Me: Yes. She did that.
When your 5yo daughter is singing, loudly "deck the halls with balls of jolly!!!" you don't correct her. You just let it go.— Colin Dunlap (@colin_dunlap) December 2, 2016
9yo: "Dad, does 'psychological' start with a C or an S?"— Nick Beatty (@bumlaser) December 6, 2016
"Well, I can tell you, but you're not going to like it."
7yo- You worked way harder than me today, dad.— Cam Houle (@dailydairydiary) November 20, 2016
Me: I always will, lil buddy.
7: Not when you're dead.
Me: (Whispers) Jesus Christ.
If you're thinking about having kids, just know that sometimes toddlers like to do finger paintings— AussieAnnie (@MummaCrazy) July 6, 2015
on their bedroom wall
with their poop.
7 y/o daughter: "If I'm watching cartoons on the couch then wouldn't they be couchtoons cause I'm not in a car?"— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) March 5, 2016
No paternity test needed
I'm at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old holding a permanent marker without the lid.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 21, 2014
Sorting laundry when you have kids:— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) July 25, 2016
Stinky pee clothes
Old cereal bar wtf
Watching "Frozen" again with my daughter because we paid $19.99 to download it so she's going to fucking watch it every day until college.— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 9, 2014
I tucked my kids in last night and said, "See you in the morning!" and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) March 9, 2016
Was arguing with my 2 y/o for 30 minutes about why he needs to wear his pants and now we're both sitting in our underwear eating donuts— paperwash© (@PaperWash) October 13, 2013
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn't, that she is a toddler. She replied, "No, I'm a grown up. I'm going to touch knives."— Jessnickerdoodle (@jessokfine) June 29, 2015
In case you're thinking about having a kid, my daughter just threw a tantrum because I wouldn't let her watch me poop.— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) December 31, 2012
4yo: I love you, Mommy. Thank you for everything.— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) November 28, 2016
M: Aw, that's so sweet of you to say!
4: Do you think our Elf heard me?
I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!"— Jeneration Why (@JennyPentland) December 21, 2013
Sorry we're late. My daughter was eating each individual Cheerio like it was a mini doughnut.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) November 30, 2015
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists.— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 10, 2013
Me: "Good morning!"— Wendy S. (@maughammom) November 18, 2015
5yo: "Mom, you don't have to say that. I just saw you yesterday."
"Can I ask you a million questions?"— andy lassner (@andylassner) May 30, 2015
Never, & I mean NEVER make eye contact with a child on the verge of falling asleep.They will sense your excitement & abort mission! #momlife— snap:Caffeineandfair (@CaffeineandF) November 14, 2015
It's easy to judge the seriousness of an injury by my 4yo's refusal to accept a non-character-themed band aid. Verdict: Not Very Serious.— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) June 24, 2014
My 5yo just prayed to Santa to help her poop come out painlessly, and I'm wondering where else my parenting might have screwed her up.— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) June 22, 2014
My kid just flushed her socks down the toilet because "dirty stuff goes there."— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) November 11, 2015
Sound logic, questionable execution.
Me: "Ask your new friend his name!"— Kiersten White (@kierstenwhite) November 14, 2016
My 3yo, leaning in way too close to new friend, whispers: "I have a skeleton at home."
It's adorable how my kids are so thrilled with themselves for sharing something with me that I paid for.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 14, 2015
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 3, 2015
Me: You need to stay in bed until at least 6am from now on.— Tim (@Playing_Dad) September 9, 2015
*kid comes downstairs at 2am*
Kid: *shakes me awake* Daddy, what time is it?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 14, 2014
Me: We've taken 1,000 pics. We're never going to get all 4 kids smiling at once.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2016
Wife: Fine. Just pick the best one pic.twitter.com/E7jDR5uGIm
*Mary Poppins voice*— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 5, 2015
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
I said let's go.
Me: I think I ate too much.— Aaron Aryanpur (@aaroncomedian) November 26, 2016
4yo: Yeah, but not just today.
这是篇长文章,请翻页: 1 2