Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain] @GrantTanaka

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why? @TheCatWhisprer

5-year-old: *dressed as Elsa* Zap! You’re frozen.
Me: I don’t have time to play right now
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. I’m frozen. @XplodingUnicorn

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen @dafloydsta

5. My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries. @charliedemers

Wife: You pick dinner.
Me: Pizza.
Wife: No.
Me: Tacos.
Wife: No.
Me: Subs.
Wife: No.
Wife: It’s up to you.

*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.” @Six_Pack_Mom

8. Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late. @simoncholland

Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down.
Me: No need. I’ll remember.
[an hour later]
Wife: What did you buy?
Me: A panda. @XplodingUnicorn

10. You know you’ve been married a while when you can correctly answer “What’s that one person’s name in that movie about the thing?” @Mr_Kapowski

11. My wife is finally coming home from her week long trip, so you know what I’m getting tonight… yelled at. I’m gonna get yelled at. @ericsshadow

Wife: Someone invented a laundry folding machine
Me: I already have one of those. It’s called a w-
Wife: *death glare*
Me: It’s called me @XplodingUnicorn

Wife: why are you breathing like that?
Ahh marriage. When you can be questioned for continuing to live. @usermcuserface

Husband: I love you.
Me: *eating a potato chip really loudly* You should. I’m a goddamn miracle. @imdaintyaf

The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences.
She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too. @TheAlexNevil

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this @david8hughes

17. I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday. @3sunzzz

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos? @iwearaonesie

Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: *pauses daydream about zombie ninjas fighting cyborg Nazis from the future* You. @XplodingUnicorn

20. Marriage is basically just whispering, “Are you awake? I need to show you this cat video.” @mel_evans

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do @david8hughes

Husband secretly lowers the thermostat & I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it.
Marriage is fun. @Six_Pack_Mom

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise @ericsshadow

24. Making sure you’re the first to ask “what do you want for dinner” so you don’t have to be the one to decide. @michelleames

25. My husband just texted me from the bathroom and asked me to bring him “A LOT more toilet paper,” so yeah, the romance ain’t dead people. @MUMSIEesq