My 4-year-old’s timeline for getting dressed:
7:00 AM: 0 socks on
7:08 AM: 1 sock on
7:38 AM: 2 socks on
7:39 AM: 1 sock on
My daughter just asked me why a pinecone isn’t shaped like a cone, and I had no choice but to fake a seizure.
My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
wife: Let’s fool around after the kids go to bed
narrator: But they never did fool around
Being a parent is making everything easier for your kids while your kids do the exact opposite for you.
“I want a snack.” – my kids, while they’re eating
“There’s no school or work tomorrow, so you can sleep in,” I begged my 4-year-old.
“DON’T YELL AT ME FROM ACROSS THE HOUSE, JUST COME TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED!!!” I scream from the couch in the living room.
One of the hardest parts of teaching your kids to be independent is watching them tie their shoes for 8 minutes.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Toys need to be priced according to how long your child will actually play with them.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My 6 year old’s superpower is knowing he doesn’t like what we’re having for dinner 2 hours before I’ve even decided what I’m making.
My 4 year old has been talking for 23 years
Parenting multiple kids is mostly just trying to keep the awake ones quiet enough that the sleeping ones stay asleep.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
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9: This sucks! I hate you! I wish you weren’t my parents!
wife on Facebook: 9 is doing the laundry! He’s such a good helper!
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
Me: “You’re going to bed in 5 minutes.”
6yo: *bends the laws of space and time to make 5 minutes last 4 hours*