Parenting a newborn:
50% changing diapers
80% becoming so sleep deprived that you forget how to do basic math
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.
Anyways, the baby’s ok.
Held a newborn baby yesterday. Then I went to make a Sunday roast
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter’s eyes, whispering, “I can’t do this”.
Shoutout to burritos for training me in the art of wrapping a newborn baby in a blanket.
I love when someone gives birth in movies/tv shows and the “newborn baby” is like a 2 year old and covered in spaghetti-O’s
For those wondering what having a newborn baby is like, I just wrote “take a shower” on a list of things I’m hoping to accomplish today.
Even more effective than an alarm clock is your baby’s dirty diaper.
Aww … a picture of newborn baby Guy Fieri
FYI you can’t snooze the baby monitor
Why do I look like I’m about to fling my newborn baby brother into the sun ‘I didn’t ask for a fucking sibling, Michelle’
[finally gets the car seat installed correctly]
Me: Where’s the baby?
Wife: In college.