wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
You know you’ve been married a while when you can correctly answer “What’s that one person’s name in that movie about the thing?”
Top 4 Things Couples Should Agree On Before Getting Married:
4 Where to live
3 Having children
1 What to set the thermostat on
My wife and I have started aggressively planning for our retirement, and by that I mean we’re playing the lottery 3-5 times per week.
My husband can sleep through anything except me shining a tiny light briefly on the book I’m reading in bed.
87% of married sex starts with someone pausing House Hunters.
ME: I bought you some new undershirts.
HIM: [genuinely] That’s exciting.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Today’s my husband’s birthday, so…
*flips coin to see if I should shave above the knee*
Marriage is- having your spouse call your work, from the house, asking if there’s anything in the fridge to eat.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My wife looks so peaceful when she’s sleeping.
I have no idea she sleeps with her back to me behind a giant wall of throw pillows.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Me: hey, did you grab my butt
Wife: yeah sorry, I was looking for the remote
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
90% of being married is just shouting “what” from other rooms
Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don’t have to take it out.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
*grabs wife’s phone to respond to the sext I sent her*
My husband gets pretty excited when I whip out goggles in the bedroom.
But a little less excited when I whip out the onion & cutting board.