1. Hey, cutie
*spots cute guy*
*smiles coquettishly*
*walks over, leans in, gingerly places mouth to his ear*

2. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


3. Hssssss
I’m on the snake diet. It’s the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.

4. Just lmk
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

5. No other option
my biggest fear is I’m married & my husband says, “let’s cut sugar out of our diet” so I have to leave with the kids in the middle of the night

6. Fact
why want the d when you can have the p


7. Sexy time
lets take this to the bedroom
i say as i carry my bowl of ice cream to my room

8. Good question
porn is so unrealistic who would have sex while the pizza was getting cold so stupid

9. Sry
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

10. *crosses fingers behind back*
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39″
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

11. There’s good in the world
my little sister sleeps with a box of cheez-its next to her pillow and i always thought it was because she’s lazy and likes to have it for convenient snacking but last night she told me it’s because she likes seeing it first thing when she wakes up to remind her there’s good in the world

12. Family first
“Is there any pizza left, dad?”
[slowly licking each individual slice of pizza while maintaining eye contact] No

13. I’m listening
“hey do you want to hang out tonight?”

“we’ll have food”


14. I’m fine
Why is the idea of someone eating all alone everyones go-to sad image? Every time I get to watch TV and eat all alone, I am so, so happy.

15. It hurts my heart
i just burnt my tongue on my food and it made me realise that sometimes the ones you love hurt you the most

16. House rules
party at my house bring food then leave

17. Mmm, salty
*romantically wipes away your tear with a chicken finger*

18. Priorities
often think about this moment from my parents wedding video where the cameraman just zoomed in on a plate of ham


19. How dare you
When you invite friends over and they eat all your food


20. Not sorry
if we go on a pizza date it’s me on a date with pizza you’re just the third wheel stop trying to make it all about you lil bitch

21. Same to me
i dont need a boyfriend i need 12 million dollars and a donut

22. And finally, this universal truth
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of bread