ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
5-year-old: *dressed as Elsa* Zap! You’re frozen.
Me: I don’t have time to play right now
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. I’m frozen.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
son: Can I have my toy back?
wife: Not right now, it’s keeping him quiet
me *playing with his dinosaur*
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
therapist: so why do you want to end your marriage?
wife: I hate the constant star wars puns
husband: divorce is strong with this one
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Txt from wife: where r u
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
[trying to comfort crying baby]
Me: what is your fucken problem
Wife: try singing to him
Me: what is your fucken problem
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[Sees bee on my wife's arm]
[I roll up a newspaper]
Babe.. stay still..
(using newspaper as a megaphone) THERE’S A FUCKING BEE ON YOU
Wife: Where are you
Me: The store
W: Don’t lie to me
W: I saw the internet history
M: *hangs up*
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Wife: Someone invented a laundry folding machine
Me: I already have one of those. It’s called a w-
Wife: *death glare*
Me: It’s called me
toddler *puts shoe on*
wife: Is there anything he can’t do?
me: Buy beer
me: Open child proof lids
wife: That’s enough
WIFE: His obsession with Trump is out of control.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *tweeting* OBV KAREN IS LYING. FAKE NEWS. VERY SAD!
WIFE: we’re at a nice restaurant so behave
WAITER: this is our tasting menu
WIFE: go ahead
ME: *tentatively licks menu*
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[arriving at church]
WIFE: Don’t go taking a nap during the sermon again
ME: *hiding my pillow* The 7th day is for rest, Karen
FRIEND: do u guys want a boy or a girl
PREGNANT WIFE: we just hope he or she is healthy
ME (rubbing her belly): im actually hoping its a dog