Tinder is the best place to find a husband. Sure it’s someone else’s husband but there are a lot of husbands on here.
Dating apps are like going to a zoo: It’s fun to look at different creatures, but meeting some of them up close would be fucking terrifying.
Him: You look tense
Me: I’m so nervous
Him: Aw. Just be you
Me: IVE BEEN HOLDING IN A FART THAT MIGHT LAUNCH ME TO CANADA
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I just want someone who looks at me the way my brother looks at ketchup
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
A flirty thing to whisper to a guy checking out your butt is “I keep poop in there” but don’t forget to wink or it won’t work
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.
Dating is like trying to find a piece of hay in a needlestack
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
Dating me is like binge watching a show. After a while you realize it isn’t that great but you invested time so you reluctantly keep going.
Let’s not say we met on Tinder, that’s embarrassing. We’ll say we met the old-fashioned way when ur dad gave my dad several goats & a fence
Someday you’ll meet someone amazing who just gets you. And they won’t want to date you either
Chances are, you’re the reason someone thinks dating sucks.
*ketchup bottle makes a fart noise and my date doesn’t laugh*
Me: “This date is over.”
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can’t keep him :( He’s ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.
5 Ways To Tell If You’re Dating a Real Man
1. Is he strong
2. Is he soft
3. Is he agile
4. Does he leave hair on your bed
5. You’re dating a cat
i love meeting boys on tinder
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
your dating profile: i LOVE adventures
me: sounds like i’d have to do stuff. next–>
collecting tinder matches like pokemon cards:
“oh you got a guy-holding-fish?? I have three of those!”
WOMAN: guys suck
GUY: ugh I know right? guys are the worst. except me haha. i am good and nice. can you send me pics of ur feet?
I wish instead of reading “it’s complicated” people’s relationship statuses just said ” I’m fucking a guy who won’t call me his girlfriend”
Hook-up culture’s not for me. I’d rather get to know someone, find out they’re not right for me, then keep dating them for 2-3 years