I told my husband to put the oreos somewhere I couldn’t get them. So he put them on the floor.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Today I dropped a pair of socks and they rolled under my dresser. I have decided I no longer need those socks.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
For those wondering how far along I am, I’m at the stage of pregnancy where I can’t look at a dog without crying.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
If you ever want to overcome your fear of dying, you should just steal a parking spot from a pregnant woman.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I had a dream that I have a flat tummy again. I throw stuff on the ground, and pick up, and throw again, just for fun.
I just spilled my cup of ice water and cried for 20 minutes then called my boss and told her I quit
When your unborn son has more clothes than you
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Well, looks like we’re having a massively HUGE baby.
I love seeing the change on a guy’s face from sexual interest to horror as he’s checking me out and then realizes I’m
That moment you get all comfy in bed and then you have to pee… again.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Why do men say women are dumb for getting pregnant like she did it by herself?
On the commuter trains, it’s always the women who give up their seat for me. They remember the aches and pains.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Switching sides at night in the third trimester should be an Olympic event.
I just started crying while watching a Post-It commercial.
Looks like it’s gonna be another one of those nights because this kid won’t stop kicking me!
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Finally found the piece of chocolate I lost! ..wedged inbetween my bump & my boob..
Seriously though, I think baby is positioned sideways and also posssibly an octopus.
I think I might be stuck in my bath tub…
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I used to think people overexaggerated about babies kicking. I’ve had a foot in my rib for 2 days now