[chopped voice] so i look down at the basket and i’m immediately thinking i can’t cook,
the 4 contestants of chopped
• the ‘im sorry you must be level 4 to unlock my tragic backstory’ guy
• ‘i’m here to pay for my wedding to my gf who i dedicate this burnt omlette to’ guy
• the girl one
• ‘im italian i come from an italian family and i eat, breathe and shit ravioli’
im watching a food show and one of the contestants literally said ‘i was introduced to food when i was very young’ like fuck i sure hope you were!?!?
me: i need an easy cake recipe
food network: how about angel food cake! its so easy any idiot can make it
me: sick whats the recipe
food network: well first you need 16 eggs
Food Network shows are fake because when they drop food into hot oil they don’t run away when the grease starts popping
Just Let Him In
a chef on cutthroat kitchen: what we have here is a perfectly poached egg
me, eating sponge-bob shaped boxed mac and cheese: the yolk is hard you tepid fool
me: haha why do people always yell at the tv when they watch sports? you know the football players can’t hear you, right?
me watching chopped:
*arranges my dish into a smiley face before giving it to the judges*
first like 10 minutes of every kitchen nightmare
gordon: ok I will have the grilled cheese
chef: *using a hair dryer to make grilled cheese* I’ve done nothing wrong in my life
Every chopped episode
Alex Guarnaschelli: So tell me about why you decided to glaze the pasty.
Contestant: Well growing up my father never loved me and my mother died a tragic death.
Ted: Thank you chef.
Know your Alton Brown alignments.
I think my favorite thing about Chopped is the generic descriptions they come up with because they can’t say brand names
“circular cream filled chocolate cookies” like no those are Oreos, Ted.
It’s so great. This one is my favorite:
Ted, those are Dippin Dots.
Me On Chopped
Judges: she’s just, she’s just shoving food into her jacket, she’s literally just here to steal food,
alton brown: alright chefs, the first item up for auction is…
(a single syringe appears in the dumbwaiter)
alton brown: the antidote
Ted Allen: You have 30 seconds left, chefs.
Chef: I looked down at my dish and realized it needed a little more color, so I decide to make a quick purée out of lima beans and hot raspberry sauce, then brûlée the top with a blowtorch and add a few mint leaves to really give it some texture.
Me: *pterodactyl screech*
we’ve been watching too much food network at my house lately. i made a thing
*gets really good at cooking so i can go on chopped and give scott conant raw red onion*
Judges on cupcake wars
Candace: I feel that the flavor profile of this cupcake just wasn’t working for me, it was too confusing
Florian: -speaks very fast in a French accent- basically I hated it it was disgusting
Guest judge: -with mouth full of cupcake- I THOUGHT IT WAS GOOD THANKS FOR MAKING IT