jesus: what do people call the day i was crucified
me: good friday. we call it “good friday”
jesus: what the fuck
Jesus: *raising chalice* let us sup
Judas: what’s sup?
Jesus: Not much what’s up with you lmao
Judas: this is the last straw
‘Jesus’ comes from a shortening of the Hebrew version of the name Joshua, while ‘Christ’ simply means ‘the anointed one.’ To make this clearer to modern Christians, I propose a new Bible translation where Jesus is referred to only as “oily Josh”
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Judas: still on for Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
okay so we know about jesus when he’s a baby, and jesus when he’s an adult, but does the bible ever mention his rebellious teenager years?
‘jesus, go feed the donkey.’
‘yOU’RE NOT MY REAL FATHER’
the ground shakes a little, and a voice comes down from the sky
‘do what your stepfather says you little shit’
jesus *holding up loaf of bread*: This is my body.
judas, who was secretly 27 ducks in a trench coat: *shuffles excitedly*
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Not really how I imagined the second coming
My mum asked me what im doing for easter. I said same as jesus, going out Friday coming back Monday
when i was little i thought jesus was a chicken strip because in one christmas song it said he was tender and mild. you know what else is tender and mild? a chicken strip
did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit daftpostpunk
he used praypal bones-and-bricks
God dammit sher-lover
when jesus is born I get presents
when jesus dies I get chocolate
I love jesus
Teenage Jesus watches as his friends swim and frolic in the pond and pouts as he sits on top of the water with his arms crossed
Jesus: Table for 26 please.
Maitre’d: There’s only 13 of you.
Jesus: But we’re all going to sit on the same side.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper] “Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
oh sweet jesus
oh sour jesus
oh BBQ jesus
oh cool ranch jesus
oh doritos locos tacos jesus