Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
ME: woud u be open to adoption?
[later, at the adoption agency]
ME: yes hi, i’d like to put my husband up for adoption
[crawls out of burning house]
“SIR, IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE INSIDE?”
[flash backs of wife making me watch Big Bang Theory]
wife: won’t it be nice to grow old together
me: haven’t we already done that
My husband doesn’t seem to realize I’m mad at him which is ridiculous because I just spent the last 20 min convincing him I’m not mad at him
Wife. Would you cut the label off my dress.
Me. Sure *Snip* There you go.
Me. No problem.
*Kicks pony tail under bed.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
wife: What temperature?
wife: That’s the clock
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Wife: How many times have I told you NOT to use my face moisturizer as body lotion?
Me: *skin absolutely glowing* is this a trick question?
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
wife: Let’s fool around after the kids go to bed narrator: But they never did fool around
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Losing my wife 3 times in the grocery store and having her paged by customer service each time is why I get to stay home while she shops now
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Marriage is where your sexual fantasies go to die.
50 Shades of Grey, the married-with-kids version:
Attempting to sort 50 white (now grey) socks in laundry basket while husband snores.
Him: That’s a really good deal.
Me: We don’t eat that.
Him: *puts it in cart anyway*
This is marriage.
me[holding wife's shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
wife:The other tag
me:Made in Vietnam
Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.