You’re officially an adult when you become more than half of all the things you made fun of in your youth.

My workout schedule:
Age 20: Ran every day.
Age 25: Exercised once a week.
Age 31: Pulled a muscle walking to the fridge.

6yo: What’s it like being a grown up?
ME: You know that feeling you get when you unwrap a present and it’s not what you wanted?

lately ive been losing my train of thought, picking it back up again, and finding that a week had gone by in the meantime

[at a party]
Me: *over the music* DO YOU HAVE A RECYCLING BIN?

I’m basically just a 41 year old teenager.

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

Being an adult means knowing the right thing to do and knowing a great excuse not to do it.

One day you’re not old and the next day you have a favorite grocery store.

Adulthood is mostly whispering
“For Fucks sake”
Every time the phone rings

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

“Pardon me as I slip into something more comfortable.”
[I just get in bed and go to sleep]

Her: i’m in the mood
Me: me too
Her: wanna do it
Me: oh yeah baby
[we drive to Home Depot to look at paint]

My 20s: *drinks all the drinks, does all the drugs, has all the sex.
My 30s: *sits on the couch until it’s no longer too early to go to bed

Most victories as an adult involve matching socks, hiding empty candy wrappers and beating random strangers to a parking space.

I’m doing life just like everyone else, 1 screw up after another and a trash can full of empty wine bottles

I used to smell like Teen Spirit.
Now I smell like abandoned hopes and dreams.

sure all my friends are getting married and starting families but at least i’m slowly dying inside

Welcome to your 30s, everything hurts for no reason and you have a hangover from the glass of wine you drank a week ago

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