James Breakwell is the epitome of what the Internet would call “dad goals” – though with 4 daughters to manage, he might not always feel like it.
6-year-old: *fast forwards all the way through a movie*
Me: You can’t just skip to the happy ending.
6: I don’t have time for problems.
Me: Harry Potter can use magic to fix his glasses.
6-year-old: Why doesn’t he use magic to fix his eyes?
Me: *questions everything I know*
3-year-old: You got lots of letters from your friends.
Me: They’re bills. They want money.
3: You need better friends.
4-year-old: Can I have candy?
Me: What did Mom say?
Me: So why would I let you?
4: She’s not the boss of you.
It’s a trap.
3-year-old: Can we have a birthday cake?
Me: It’s not your birthday.
3: The cake won’t know.
My daughter’s lip is bleeding.
None of her sisters know what happened.
At least they know the first rule of Fight Club.
My 6-year-old wants to be a doctor so she can help sick kids.
My 4-year-old wants to be a porcupine so she can stab people with her butt.
Me: Can you come over here, princess?
5-year-old: Dad! I’m too old to be a princess!
Me: Then what should I call you?
5: The queen.
My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth 0 times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.
Me: What did you do at school?
Me: How can you be there all day and do nothing?
5: What did you do at work?
Me: What’s wrong?
4: My tummy is full, but I want to keep eating.
The struggle is real.
We went into the basement for a tornado.
My 3-year-old thought we were hiding from a tomato.
Honestly, that scared her even more.
Image Credit: @XplodingUnicorn
My 2-year-old thinks every guy on TV with a beard is me.
We just watched an awesome documentary together about how I freed the slaves.
[kids playing cards]
Me: What game are you playing?
Me: Who’s winning?
6: Nobody wins.
Me: Someday, you’ll have feelings for boys.
6-year-old: I already have feelings for them.
6: They make me mad.
4-year-old: *makes faces in the mirror*
Me: Your reflection always does exactly what you do.
4: Sometimes she doesn’t.
Random Internet Guy: You’re not famous for making good content. You’re only famous for having cute kids.
Me: To be fair, I made them, too.
My 3-year-old called her eyebrows “eye mustaches.”
I was going to correct her, but instead I upgraded my vocabulary.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
4-year-old: Can I use your office chair?
Me: I’m using it.
4: You’re not spinning.
Me: I don’t want to spin.
4: You’re using it wrong.