HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
*I hold my date’s hand for the first time*
Date: I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
Me: same. I ate A LOT of butterflies before this
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I don’t understand why I’m single my hobbies include smelling my own hair and bragging about how I’m immune to bats
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2′
Sometimes I see an ambulance & wonder if its for me; like I died moments ago & don’t know it yet
MY DATE: I meant what do u do for a living
[at SunMaid farms with a guy]
Guy: so is this a date?
Girl:… No? These are raisins
me: So, do you like street magic?
her: Not really
me: [releases 7 doves under table] Haha yeah me either
anxiety got me approaching relationships like
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
(on a first date)
you know if you shave a Guinea pig they look like tiny hippos
*with way too much food in my mouth*
they hate it though
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
An extremely accurate description of what it’s like to hook up with me
*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.
*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.
[getting ready for a date]
ROOMMATE: the key is to not seem too desperate
DATE: i love this restaurant
ME: haha i love u too
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
*a man runs into the bar*
“HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?”
*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*
me: Let me slip into something more uncomfortable.
me (getting naked): Yes.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Good things to say after sex
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
him: your single? why?
[date at rooftop bar]
give me ur hand
“Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?”
*rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Boys are like TVs. I wasn’t allowed to have one in my room as a kid and now I probably could but what’s the point when you have a laptop?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION