Him: You look tense
Me: I’m so nervous
Him: Aw. Just be you
Me: IVE BEEN HOLDING IN A FART THAT MIGHT LAUNCH ME TO CANADA
anxiety got me approaching relationships like
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
your dating profile: i LOVE adventures
me: sounds like i’d have to do stuff. next–>
Dating is like trying to find a piece of hay in a needlestack
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
DATING HACK: instead of texting back right away, wait three days, then assume he’s dead
Someday you’ll meet someone amazing who just gets you. And they won’t want to date you either
the stages of a breakup:
4. taking pictures of everything you do to make sure people know you’re having fun
This is just a guess, but it could be because that’s a rotary phone.
the thing nobody tells you about dating is their name and phone number
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Her: you ok?
Me: just nervous, I don’t date much
Her: you’re doing fine
[I go to take a drink, but It's the candle & I set my face on fire]
WOMAN: guys suck
GUY: ugh I know right? guys are the worst. except me haha. i am good and nice. can you send me pics of ur feet?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Sometimes I see an ambulance & wonder if its for me; like I died moments ago & don’t know it yet
MY DATE: I meant what do u do for a living
Dating me is like binge watching a show. After a while you realize it isn’t that great but you invested time so you reluctantly keep going.
today I saw my ex so I quickly picked up my phone & shouted HELLO, BEYONCE? BEYONCE FROM THE HIT MUSICAL GROUP DESTINY’S CHILD? then I ran
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
Impress your date by calling the waiter a “fucking coward” when he warns you that your plate is extremely hot.
me: So, do you like street magic?
her: Not really
me: [releases 7 doves under table] Haha yeah me either
my mom keeps asking me if i have a girlfriend lol give it a rest damn it’s never gonna happen between us mom
Hook-up culture’s not for me. I’d rather get to know someone, find out they’re not right for me, then keep dating them for 2-3 years
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Relationships are just two people constantly asking each other where they want to go eat, until one of them dies.
[getting ready for a date]
ROOMMATE: the key is to not seem too desperate
DATE: i love this restaurant
ME: haha i love u too
*I hold my date’s hand for the first time*
Date: I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
Me: same. I ate A LOT of butterflies before this
*looks at dating site for 4 minutes*
*immediately searches for a men in black mind eraser on eBay*
i once dated a guy who constantly reminded me that it was nice “to finally be dating a regular girl and not a model.” i think about it daily
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Chances are, you’re the reason someone thinks dating sucks.
First Date Tip:
1) Wait for check to arrive
2) Insist on paying like a gentleman
3) Lock eyes
4) Slowly open Velcro wallet for 58 minutes
Me: *trying to forget the past & move on*
Facebook: You have memories with your first love and your deceitful friends to look back on today.
Relationships are an expensive way to watch someone slowly like you less and less.
Dating Tip: Treat your date to something non-traditional. Go to the park and yell at some birds, maybe dig a cool hole
Dating is one person arguing that they suck and the other party assuring them they don’t until one of them gives up
When breaking up with your first boyfriend/girlfriend, it helps to say “you’ll always be the answer to my online banking security question.”
Even the name “OK Cupid” sounds like you’re telling love to, like, settle down.
Dating tip: don’t