*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower* me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.
You know you’ve been married a while when you can correctly answer “What’s that one person’s name in that movie about the thing?”
[plane about to crash]
wife: if you have anythin to say to me you need to say it now
me: remember when i said the dog ate our yankee candle
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
wife: What temperature?
wife: That’s the clock
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now. Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
My husband just texted me from the bathroom and asked me to bring him “A LOT more toilet paper,” so yeah, the romance ain’t dead people.
[rolls over in bed and whispers to wife]
“I ate like 75 chicken nuggets today”
Husband: I told you to stop doing that with the knives.
Me: But Wolverine has-
Husband: I said stop.
My wife & I just snoozed 2 separate alarm clocks for 2.5 hrs. This is the exact relationship I hoped for.
“5 years ago i married my best friend, my soulmate, i love you”
“eat all the leftovers again and i will end you”
*rolls over & taps wife’s shoulder to wake her*
So it was “An American Tail” & not ‘Tale’ because Fievel was a mouse, right?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating "You Better Shape Up Scene" from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
[Sees bee on my wife's arm]
[I roll up a newspaper]
Babe.. stay still..
(using newspaper as a megaphone) THERE’S A FUCKING BEE ON YOU
Wife finds a way.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My wife and I have started aggressively planning for our retirement, and by that I mean we’re playing the lottery 3-5 times per week.
Me as a husband
Yesterday was my grandparents 45th anniversary and my grandma was like “if I had killed him 20 years ago I would be out of jail by now” and that basically sums them up
My husband & I lying in bed
Me: We should try doctor/patient roleplay
Husband: Heart Disease is the leading cause of death in men over 30
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn’t wanna share.
Me: I should calmly explain to him what’s bothering me.
Inner me: Tell him goodnight at 5pm.
ME: I bought you some new undershirts.
HIM: [genuinely] That’s exciting.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
keeping our marriage fresh/exciting via texts
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?