1. The silk panties
The worst speech I ever heard was from the father of the bride. He explained that when she was little, her favorite thing was to snuggle with was her mom’s silk panties. Then he presented the groom with a new pair of silks for the bride. Everyone squirmed. It was so uncomfortable.
2. The non-doctor’s Grey’s Anatomy vows
So I’m a wedding photographer, as I’m sure you can imagine I’ve seen a lot of weird and crazy stuff. But the worst of all had to be when the groom took his wedding vows off the Internet…. I am a lover of the TV show Grey’s Anatomy, so when the groom started his vows my jaw immediately dropped! No joke, line for line the groom was spouting the monologue of TV’s Dr. Burke in the episode where he’s going to marry Christina. Talking all about how he holds hearts and heals hearts…. the groom is not a doctor, he worked with trains…. the bride is crying, everyone in the church was crying, and there I am standing there trying not to burst out laughing!
3. The horrible swimming incident
I was at my friend’s wedding on a big balcony with a pool. The bride was going to swim in the pool, when the glass broke and she fell 2 stories down. End of story, we spent it in the hospital.
4. The really REALLY close-knit family
Small town Texas. A gentleman known in this circle just as ‘Grandpa’ walks in. Looks to the left of the aisle. Looks to the right of the aisle. Grins, and loudly announces, ‘Why, I could sit on EITHER side!’
5. The extremely rowdy and hungover wedding party
The bridesmaids (myself included) decided to throw the bachelorette party the night before the wedding. One member of the bridal party became so drunk that she fell down a flight of stairs, broke her ankle, and had to walk down the aisle with a cast and crutches.
The morning of the wedding, while getting hair and makeup done, we all took turns running to the bathroom to throw up and consequently barely made it to the ceremony on time as we were all so hungover. And as for the climactic event of the day… the bride puked at the altar. Yes, the actual bride actually puked at the actual altar (best part* it was into a trash basket being held by the organist). And if you’re wondering… yes, the groom did kiss his bride. (Now that’s true love!)
6. The parental lap dance
I saw a mother of the BRIDE hop on the father of the GROOM, after he had sat on the garter toss chair, and she gave him a lap dance. It was so cringeworthy, especially since their spouses were there too.
7. The thinly-veiled threat
The bride and mother of the groom did not get along, which was put on for display at the reception. The bride, as everyone knew, was deathly allergic to strawberries. Guess what the groom’s cake was made of? Strawberry cake with buttercream and strawberry icing, adorned with — you guessed it — fresh strawberries!
8. The bird SHITuation
My baby brother and niece were fighting over holding the doves that were released during the reception. My brother finally got a hold of it, and it pooped on his hand. He’s very squeamish, and he ended up explosively vomiting at the hotel lobby on the way to the bathroom to wash it off.
9. The drunk “captive” man
Bride’s brother got drunk and called the police and told them he was being held captive in a box and abused. A whole squad showed up. He was just laying on a couch.
10. The family quarrel
My dad and my uncle were drunk and got into a fist fight at my cousin’s reception. My dad had my uncle in a headlock, my uncle reached up and punched my dad in the face and broke his glasses. Dad got to stay, uncle was escorted from the premises and the party continued. Moral of the story: don’t drink and discuss family skeletons in the closet.
11. The fiery speech
I was at a family wedding and the venue was this gorgeous banquet hall. It was decorated with these torches that had actual fire in them. When the bride’s cousin got up to give a speech her hair caught on fire!
12. The chatty groomsman
At my wedding we had a couple of awesome speeches (one was even rapped!) and then a groomsman came up and gave a speech in which EVERY joke was about our sex life. How we took a shower together the night we met, how loud we are, and it went on and on. Both of our families are really religious, grandparents heard it, kids heard it. I have never wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole more than I have in that moment, it was mortifying.
13. The disastrous bathroom break
The reception had just ended and about half of my guests were waiting for the shuttle to take us back to the hotel. The shuttle was nearly an hour late. It finally pulls into the parking lot, but my cousin had to use the bathroom and decided that it was going to take too long to go inside so she ran into the woods to take care of business.
Problem was there was a 15 foot fall on the other side of the wall she hopped over that she didn’t know about. She fell and landed on her back, and broke her back — literally. One of her vertebrae burst into multiple pieces. She is finally better now — two years later.
14. The veil fail
I went to my friends wedding over the winter and according to Mexican tradition the groom holds onto the bride’s veil while people try to separate them. If the groom lets go it’s bad luck. Well the groom didn’t let go and in the process of not letting go he pulled his wife’s hair and extensions out. Let’s just say she needed the veil to cover up some bald spots.
15. The confession
My cousin had hired a caterer that she knew from college and he had a massive crush on her which he never told her about (small town, where everyone knows everyone). He decided it was a good idea to put that on the wedding cake, ‘You’re mine always — from xyz’. I had to step in and smear the frosting before the groom could see it.
16. And the profession
At a very conservative, religious, alcohol free wedding, the best man basically announced his undying love for the groom during his speech, saying things like he was ‘so sad to lose him to the bride’, and it was pretty awkward. The worst part was I don’t think the bride realized what he meant by it.
17. The intoxicated groom
I was working front desk at a hotel when the very intoxicated groom asked which of us girls were going to sleep with him since the bride was ‘on the rag.’ Charming.
Apollina Vita, Facebook
18. The drunk priest
I was at a family friend’s wedding. The priest showed up 30 minutes late, drunk as could be. He messed up the bride’s name during the ceremony and called her ‘Molly.’ Her name is Kathrine…
19. The DJ of the year
At my wedding I had one of my good friends (or so I thought) DJ my wedding. He was a professional DJ in the sense that that deejaying weddings was his only job.
It turned out he had a crush on me and totally bombed the music. He ended up getting totally hammered and started making fun of my maid of honor before her speech, tried to fight one of my husband’s best friends, hit on every girl who was in a serious relationship and then ended the night falling asleep on his car horn at 3:00 am… it was horrendous.
20. The puking couple
In college, one of my best friends was having a full out traditional Catholic wedding. The morning of the wedding, her AND the groom woke up with the flu. They tried to go through with the wedding… but in the middle of the ceremony they both started puking profusely. At separate times they both excused themselves from the ceremony. The bride puked in the Holy Water chalice, the groom had it dribbling down the front of his tux, and the bride’s dress was forever ruined.
They finished the wedding sitting in the first pew with buckets and randomly puking occasionally. They went home straight after, didn’t go to the reception OR the honeymoon cuz they were sick for days. All of us guests had a really good time at the reception though! Lol!
21. The sewage flood
I was a waitress at a catering hall on a lake one summer. After some heavy rain, it started flooding. But it was not rain water. It was sewage. The pipe burst in the basement and we had another wedding coming through for cocktail hour in an hour. The smell was unbearable. We had to serve food in the same space minutes after. I lost my appetite that day.
Janey Gemmell, Facebook
22. The bride who changed her mind
So the couple decided to have a cruise wedding. This was problematic because, while the bride’s family had money, the groom’s didn’t. His extended family saved up in order to send a few members on the cruise (particularly his elderly grandmother). Day two of the cruise the bride just leaves a goodbye note and gets off the boat -— leaving all the relatives on the cruise for another FIVE DAYS.
Everyone still got the wedding favor — a wine bottle with a really awkward posed photo of the couple on it.
23. And finally, the bathroom crime scene
My parents went to a wedding where two paramedics got married. A lot of their friends were in the fire and EMS field and their wedding was at this very nice hotel. My dad went into the bathroom only to find the bartender overdosed on heroin so he started CPR and called for people to help him. Over 20 people left the reception to come help resuscitate the man who was turning blue, and all started arguing about how to do it. When the cops came, the man was talking and fine, but they checked his pockets and a cop got stuck by a needle, turning the bathroom of the wedding into a crime scene.