I asked my dad if I looked fat in my bathing suit at the beach and he said “keep drinking and you won’t care.”

As teen, shouted at Dad: it’s not your job to embarrass me! He replied “I know.” Then smiled n said “it’s one of the perks”

My sister once asked my dad what he thought of her dating someone named Hansel, all he said back was “I bet you’d reGRETEL that”

Once my dad came to my band show & didn’t take any pictures. I asked him why & he said “Nobody wants to remember this”.

On my first driving lesson, we passed the cemetery and my dad said, “Buckle up – that’s where the bad drivers go.”

When I was older, my Dad admitted that he always threw the baseball right at my head. “You learned how to catch pretty quick!”

“When you start a new job, don’t talk a lot. This way they won’t know how dumb you are.” I said,”Thanks, dad!” Guess he was right.

“At the airport my dad said, “Put one shoe in each suitcase so if it gets stolen they can’t wear your shoes.”

My dad adamantly stated “Essential oils are used to fry onions rings, wings, or french fries. All other oils are NOT essential.”

It was you or another cat. Make sure I don’t regret this….
*my husband speaking to our son when he was born

“The grass may be greener on the other side, but it sure took a whole lot of manure to get it that way.”

Once my dad went to the grocery store n the cashier asked “if u want the milk in the bag” he said, “just leave it in the carton”

“What do you do when a stranger gives you drugs? Say ‘thank you’ because drugs are expensive.”

After the first time I got drunk my dad told me to be careful. He said “alcoholism doesn’t run in the family, it gallops.

While on a road trip, a big bug splattered all over windshield. Dad said “he won’t have the guts to do that again”.

My face got really sunburned and when I said “my face hurts” my dad without missing a beat said “not as bad as it’s hurting me”

My dad looked in the mirror, turned to me and casually said “it’s hard to improve on perfection”

Always got the same answer:
Me – Hey Dad, do you know what?
Dad – hmmm, does what know me?

Every time someone asks my dad “how are you?”, he ALWAYS responds with “the voices tell me I’m good today”.

We asked my dad why he still had a really old cologne bottle & he said “I only used it 4 times.” There’s 4 kids in our family.