Me on Instagram: Made cupcakes w the kids, love them so much
Me for real: YOU’RE GETTING EGGSHELLS IN THE BATTER JESUS CHRIST LET ME DO IT
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[trying to stop my toddler's tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”
What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Oh, you ran a 5K today? Cool.
I buckled a toddler into a car seat twice today, so we both burned the same amount of calories.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
The Food Network would be more realistic if they put a small, crying child at the feet of each chef.
It’s all fun and games during a tickle fight until your kid pees on you.
Kids are just so… so… Awake in the mornings
Kid just finished his assigned summer reading. Bursts out of room: “That book had NOTHING to do with killing ANY mockingbirds.”
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
In the dictionary, the definition of “tedious” just has a picture of a toddler trying to open a Capri Sun by himself.
I think I’m just going to start wiping my kids food on my shirt.
You know, cut out the middleman
Parenthood is good for people who want to to never get anything done ever again.
I watched Sleeping Beauty with my son and then I had to explain to him the importance of consent.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
My phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian and that, people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I don’t care how cute your kid is. When you wake up in the middle of the night and see them standing next to your bed, they are terrifying.
4yo: “Daaaaddy! I need your help! I’m in the bathroom! I tried to practice wiping my own butt!”
Me: “How’d it go?”
4yo: “Not too good.”
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell.
After: get them to put on pants.
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