Ur weird if ur on holiday n u don’t go up to ur hotel room and lay on the bed naked eatin Lays
pay for a landline you never use and get annoyed on the rare occasion it rings
6yo: What’s it like being a grown up?
ME: You know that feeling you get when you unwrap a present and it’s not what you wanted?
i hate when old people say that tattoos are a waste of money like okay Debra you have a cabinet full of expensive plates no one can use
“table or booth?”
me: we’re done here
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
R u ever having like a nice chill night and then u decide to casually check up on someone via social media who ruined your life…
I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, “Oh look. Horses.”
“Based on a true story” means that the real event happened to a much less attractive person.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that
ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
The pita to hummus ratio is never correct.
Adulthood is mostly whispering
“For Fucks sake”
Every time the phone rings
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
“1. preheat oven to–”
FACEBOOK: hey remember how you were engaged two years ago
ME: no thanks
FACEBOOK: your friend’s racist
FACEBOOK: buy something bitch
Me: Let’s pick something on Netflix
*years pass,decades pass, cities rise and fall, Bono finally dies*
Me: Wait go back to documentaries
*every fireworks show ever*
Me: “was that the finale?”
Random guy/local firework expert: “oh, you’ll know when it’s the finale”