Pizza burned the inside of my mouth and I don’t really understand why the things I love keep hurting me.
Me: can I have an extra large pizza
Server: sure what would you like on the pizza
Me [after thinking hard for 10 mins]: an even bigger pizza
‘The Titanic sank with approximately 3000 pounds of garlic bread on board’
“all of the good ones are taken,” i sigh, staring at the near-empty donut racks
WAITER: Toppings on your pizza?
And on that pizza?
[4 hours later]
PLEASE LET ME GO
So they won’t show sex on TV but showing a hot pizza slice slowly being lifted up is just fine.
Me: everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I respect that.
Someone: I don’t like pasta.
[Stares deeply into date's eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
I’m on a low carb diet, when I’m low on carbs I want to die
BREAD IS SO VERSATILE LIKE YOU CAN TOAST IT OR REGULAR IT DAM SHOUT OUT TO BREAD
“this is your résumé?”
“a piece of garlic bread?”
“can-can i have it?”
‘Carbs are bad for you’
Have you tried carbs for that?
Me, about pretty much anything, really
When I die smother me in garlic butter and toast me under the grilllllll mmmmm I fucking love garlic bread
i prefer 6O9 where you are both curled up around a big pizza
How I cut carbs.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it