HER: Do you want to have kids?
HER: Why not?
ME: I couldn’t take all the crying
HER: They don’t cry all the time
ME: No, I meant me
*everybody gasps as I drop the baby*
Oh no was it expensive?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
oh your son is 73 months old that’s cool i literally i have no idea if he’s five or forty two
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
“See the majestic falcon flying”
*falcon grabs my baby and carries him away*
“Oh my god NOOO”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
*pats crying child on the back*
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
There is a drinking game where you drink every time a kid annoys you. It’s called “parenting.”
“You don’t want children? That’s selfish!”
“It IS? I’d better get a vasectomy so I don’t pass on my selfish genes!”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
“Jenni!! Married yet? When are you having kids”??
“When I can get pregnant by swallowing”.
*never invited to family dinner again*
There is no better birth control than the sound of a child screaming.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
A horror film about a creature that grows in a woman, comes out and follows her around for 18 yrs telling her she’s fat and begging for gum.
Have you talked to YOUR doctor about Baby Fever? Side effects may include poverty, poorness, brokeitude
“Mommy, where do babies come from?”
“Well, when two people hate themselves, and want to never have fun again or achieve their dreams…”
There’s nothing like a child standing an inch from your face at 6 a.m. to make you realize you’d made some bad choices in life.
If you could put children in a nutrient rich suspension with virtual learning environment until they were about 20 then sure, I’d have some
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters