I closed my finger in a drawer and yelled “Son of a bitch!” and my 6 yo called from another room “What is it? Is it Trump? What did he do?”

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Me: Harry Potter can use magic to fix his glasses.
6-year-old: Why doesn’t he use magic to fix his eyes?
Me: *questions everything I know*

Me: Did you have a good day at school?
6-year-old: That’s not how school works.

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”
What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

I’m glad we own 10,000 stuffed animals so my toddler can fall asleep cuddling with a jar of peanuts.


Book title, “Parenting a Strong-willed Child”
Loosely translated, “So You’ve got Yourself a Little Asshole”

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.

I can’t wait until my son is a cool teen who thinks I’m super embarrassing so I can remind him that he used to beg to watch me poop

Wife: Think we’ll be empty-nesters?
Me: What’s that?
Wife: People who miss their kids after they’ve moved out.
Then we laughed and laughed.

Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

4-year-old: Can I have some of your candy?
Wife: I got this for Mother’s Day.
4: You’re only a mom because of me.

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

In case you were on the fence about having kids, my 3-year-old threw a temper tantrum because her tongue is pink.

You will never realize your full potential for speed and agility until the day you see your toddler holding a Sharpie marker

Right now I’m that dad playing hide & seek with my kid so I can actually get shit done while she thinks she has the “perfect” hiding spot.

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.

There is no greater love than the love a mother has for her children, while they’re sleeping.

My 5yo was told “no” by my partner. She came to me smiling & whispered “dad, want to pretend to be the boss of the house for a few minutes?”