I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
SON: you’re pretty
SON: even when you just waked up you’re so pretty
SON: can i have Doritos for lunch
ME: there it is
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
M: So we can eat.
M: To stay alive.
M: I have no idea.
3-year-old: You got your hair cut.
Me: Do you like it?
3: *walks away*
ME: How are you?
ME: Are you still alive?
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
My cousin: [to my kids] omg you guys have grown so much! How old are you now?
6: What’s your wifi password?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Where in the fuck
Is your other shoe?
So my friend got her phone taken away and her dad slid this under her door
I can’t wait until my son is a cool teen who thinks I’m super embarrassing so I can remind him that he used to beg to watch me poop
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I’d like to share a joke with you that my 2yo nephew told me.
2yo: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
2yo: I don’t know.
My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren’t married and I told him yes, but I honestly don’t know.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Me to child: Don’t think everybody’s pregnant. Some people just look that way
Child to lady: Are you pregnant or do you just look that way?
my son swims like he’s angry at water
My daughter was chasing my son around with a lightsaber and got a little too into it….. pic.twitter.com/LN6ewwqqCS— Di(@MommaSmarsh) July 6, 2017