Can’t believe how different booty calling and butt dialing are
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Depressed? Keep your chin up cuz when it’s down it looks like there’s two of them, which is gross.
ANYONE WHO IS MORE INTERESTING THAN I AM IS A HIPSTER & ANYONE WHO IS LESS INTERESTING THAN I AM IS A BRO & I AM MAD AS FUCK AT ALL OF THEM
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
You know the second after you bleach your anus someone is going to spill red wine on it, right?
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Doggy style means you get a treat afterwards, yeah?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Sorry I yelled “killin’ it” when your mom was eating that banana.
The spelling bee would be better if the kids had to say “to the” between each letter in their word.
The first month of dating is just the guy saying “What?! You’ve never seen (movie title)?!” hundreds of times.
When I pick my daughter up from day care she screams “DADDY!” and runs towards me for a hug and it’s like be cool bitch you look desperate.
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, “Who did this to you?”
I always tip the delivery guy an extra $2.00 if he doesn’t look around for the other six people he thought the sushi would feed.
New Parent Idea:
1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he’s 10.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.