ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Why did my momma make me think it was illegal to turn a light on in a car while you were driving throughout my whole childhood
1. Type password.
2. See PASSWORD INCORRECT
3. Type exact same thing but harder and louder.
gently touching your friends hand bc you’ve spotted someone acting like an asshole & you want to talk about it later
You’re never too old to say “horses” when you drive past some horses
Have u ever tried to rush outa bed go toilet quickly and rush back to bed before u lose any ‘tired’
[discovers something online] Wow, amazing!!!
[two minutes later, seeing someone else discover same thing] yeah, no shit
When you’re waiting on a takeaway delivery you can hear every car door shutting in a 5 mile radius
Every voicemail I leave sounds like English is my second language.
Ur weird if ur on holiday n u don’t go up to ur hotel room and lay on the bed naked eatin Lays
i only ask people to hang out when i know they already have plans
*drinks 1 bottle of water*
man i am so good at taking care of myself i mean wow
that sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside… that’s the sound of somebody else problem
Who the fuck is this asshole?
Me- every time someone drives down my street.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
You think you’re pretty okay at doing stuff, and then you try to plug something into an outlet you’re not looking directly at.
Actual photo of me connecting specific childhood memories as the source of personal toxic behaviors/mindsets as an adult
If you sleep till noon you only have to pay for 2 meals instead of 3
My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me
Me sober: no politics tonight. Nobody changes their mindset anyway ya know?
Me after 6 beers: hey Andrew why do you fuckin hate poor peoeple
Shout out to all the mini panic attacks i have trying to put the change I get back into my wallet before it’s the next guys turn in line
Are we all ready to admit that “don’t tell ANYONE” means you can tell exactly one person
*video doesn’t load within 2 seconds* well i guess i’ll never know