“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
PROFESSOR X: what exactly is your mutant power?
*I whisper “it’s not very good” in his left ear but he hears it in his right ear*
my nephew is sick and we are raising $5000 so i can backpack across europe, too depressing to stay here next to this sick kid
[skipping stones on lake]
DATE: it’s such a beautiful evening
ME: *whispering* take that you fucking lake
Is it fuckboy or fuckboi? I want my LinkedIn profile to be perfect.
wife: I am having an affair
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have the affair as well
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My friend is really passive aggressive. The other day he said “you’re a moron who doesnt know what passive aggressive means”
You sneak into my office and see a ship in a bottle. Looking closer, you see tiny crewmembers screaming for help. I’m suddenly behind you.
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Me: will there be sausage rolls?
Margaret [sobbing uncontrollably]: th-there-
Me [louder]: Margaret. Your husband’s funeral. Sausage rolls?
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
“Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?”
*my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”