Flip phone era. I’m doing my thing, parenting my baby. Unknown number. I answer.
“What are you doing with my wife?”
“…. Excuse me?”
“My wife. You’re having an affair with her.”
“I’m not having an affair with anyone…”
“Your number is on my phone, why else would your number be on my phone?”
“How do you know my name?!?”
“It’s Birch, you have my number because we worked together two years ago. You thought everyone was having an affair with your wife then, too.”
“….Birch? Oh. Sorry. How you been?”
Bob wasn’t the brightest bulb.
Image Credit: Chaitra Manjunath
I would like to answer about a call received by my mother, if that isn’t bending the rules too much.
She was in her late thirties and had five children under 10 years old, so as you could imagine, her plate was pretty full.
One day I was sitting with her and she answered the phone. The female caller said- “I just want you to know that I want your husband, and I am going to get him too.”
My Mom, cool as a cucumber, replied, “That’s fine, but you also have to take the five kids.”
The woman hung up, never called back, and apparently never made her move on my Dad.
Me : Hello?
Old Man : Hello, I’m calling to talk with you about the divorce papers.
Me *confused* : I’m sorry, but you’ve got the wrong number.
Old Man : Oh, I’m terribly sorry. /man quickly hung up/
Me : Hmm.. Okay, i guess?
*lazily picking up*
Me : Hello..?
Man with a high tone : YOU NEED TO HOLD THE DIVORCE PAPERS RIGHT NOW!
Me : I’m sorry, what? /sleepily answering/
Man : I WASN’T CHEATING WITH MARIA!
Me : I’m so sorry sir, but you’ve got the wrong number,
Man : The lawyer was calling you,
Me : It is the wrong number—
Man : DON’T LIE TO ME! I KNOW THIS IS YOUR NEW NUMBER!
Me (can’t hold it back anymore) : SIR. I APOLOGIZE BUT I’M JUST A 17 YEAR OLD SINGLE GIRL TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP ON THE WEEKENDS. YOU. HAVE. GOT. THE. WRONG. NUMBER.
Man : …
Me : … Sir?
/man hung up/
A young woman’s voice: “Is ___ there”?
Me: “Sorry, you have the wrong number.”
(a few weeks later)
Older man’s voice: “Who is this?”
Me: “Um. This is David. Who is calling please?”
Older man’s voice: “My daughter called you at this number.”
Me: “Hm. I don’t remember any calls from a woman.”
Older man’s raising his voice: “I want to know what you are doing with my daughter!”
Me: “Look, sorry but you have the wrong number.”
Older man’s voice: “I know she called you. What are you doing with my daughter?”
Me: “Look, I have no idea what you are talking about.” I hang up confused and not wanting to get into an argument.
(a few minutes later)
Older woman’s voice: “Hi. I am the wife of the person who just called you. He found a long distance call on our phone bill from our daughter to your number.”
Me: “Oh. Well, that must have been a wrong number. I am a gay man who lives alone except for a cat. I certainly don’t know your daughter.”
Older woman’s voice: (laughter) “Did you tell him that?”
Me: “Uh. No. It wasn’t his business and I just want this situation to be over.”
Older woman’s voice: “Ok. I’ll talk to him.” (still laughing)