I overheard a guy saying to his girlfriend “are you ready to fucking rage” as they walked into target together and that’s what I want
nerd boys: i hate that there’s a female Doctor Who!!! if a woman is in it i’m OUT! also nerd boys: women won’t date me because i’m too nice
*eyeshadow on other people* wow they’re so hip and daring
*eyeshadow on me* hello, I recently failed out of clown college
I don’t wake up next to random boys anymore I wake up next to random snacks
Single guys when they find out I have a kid: “Oh, my sister has a kid.” “My friend has a kid.” Every time it’s “I have met a child before.”
I’m a simple girl, I don’t need chocolates & flowers. I just need someone to sponsor my favorite podcasts, donate to the ACLU, & fund PP
worst thing abt traveling abroad is running into other women on their eat, pray, love journeys & having to fight over authentic growth opps
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
*Wipes phone on boob*
-Blocks 5 people
-Sends 2 randoms nudes
-Orders a pizza
-Texts ‘I miss you’ to the ex
HPV is undetectable in men, like empathy.
Me @ 22: “How can I dress so more men approach me?”
Me @ 28: “How can I dress so more women compliment me and become my friend?”
I want to ask a woman whose improv team I coach what makeup she uses to look so glowy but terrified she’ll just say “I’m 24.”
Oh don’t be a fucking idiot, iPhone
Me at 9 a.m. Monday: I’m not drinking this week.
Me at 9 p.m. Monday: ANYWAY AS I WAS SAYING WINE IS GOOD FOR YOU LIKE VEGETABLES AND SHIT
Just found this photo of me and my ex, it’s hard bc even tho we look so happy deep down there was actually a lot of strife
me: why am i never in craigslist missed connections???
also me: never leaves my house or talks to anyone
i hate when ur boob starts falling out of ur bra like excuse me ma’am please return to ur assigned seat
I’ve had periods longer than Scaramucci had his job in the White House.