[trying to impress date]
HER: I really want to have children.
ME: [to waiter] Bring us your finest baby.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
ME: run it again
WAITER: ma’am, it’s a Blockbuster card from 1994
ME *leans in close* I said run it again
Abel: So this is heaven
G: Gonna be awesome once more people show
G: Sorry about ur bro-
A: I’ll just wait by the gate
ME: *finger in mouth* mmm you like that?
DENTIST: stop it
wife: I am having an affair
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have the affair as well
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I dead ass ate pineapples for a month and this boy told me my pussy tasted like cheetos sooo y’all lying out here
Wife: *walks by when I’m making hand motions for a conversation I’m having in my head* What are you doing?
first of all biiiiiitch, u don’t even wanna know what ya man said in confessions last week, so take a seat.
Karen from accounting thinks I hate all birds because she caught me yelling at a bird but the truth is I only hate one specific bird
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Why is it called boob sweat and not humidititties
not everyone is going to think i’m pretty and that’s ok !!!!! they’re wrong though
Am I the only one who charger look like this? (Excuse my feet btw)
reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top w/ no panties and ate his fave food and loved himself and u can too
doctor: show me where it hurts
me: look at this text where she says despacito isn’t the song of the summer