1. They cut to the core
8yo: Adult polar bears can weigh almost 1,000 pounds.
8yo: Yeah, that’s almost twice as much as you.
Me: . . .
8yo: What? It is.
2. They’re far too observant
Standing in line at the store. 4 yr old daughter told man I LIKE YOUR TEETH B/C THEY’RE MY FAVORITE COLOR YELLOW. I still die to this day.
3. They’re too accurate
Me: “See this? It’s a fossil of a fish that lived FIFTY MILLION YEARS AGO!”
7yo: “So you were almost born then, right?”
4. They know too much
When you ask a 1st grade class to write letters to people in a nursing home…
5. They’re always snitchin’
I was job shadowing
Kindergarten Teacher: Does anyone want to say a special prayer?
Student: I wanna pray for my mommy because she has really bad diarrhea.
Teacher’s Assistant: *trying not to laugh*
6. They worship strange gods
when i was around 5 i asked my mom why “some people were different colors” and she said “because god wanted lots of flavors” and let me tell you that was the wrong thing to say because for the next 3 years i thought god ate people when they died
7. They’re knife crazy
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
8. They know something we don’t know
4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said “People are a prototype” and I was too scared to ask what he meant.
9. They’re mean to Tony
10. They may or may not be serial killers
Thing 2 – “Mommy, I like your skin.”
Me – “What did you just say?”
Thing 2 – “I want it.”
- I may or may not be raising a serial killer right now.
11. They’re their own amateur casting directors
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
4: Or the fat sea witch!
12. They give awful career advice
Art Advice from a 3rd Grader
3rd grader: Ms. S, can you draw a bat?
Me: I can try *attempts to draw a bat*
3rd grader: yanno, it’s a good thing you’re a regular teacher and not an art teacher
13. They’re too well-versed in the english language
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
14. They have great comedic timing
Son: Mom you look like you’re 20 …
Son: … thousand years old.
15. They devour the unborn
16. They get revenge
6YR OLD: does it hurt, daddy?
ME: [with a tissue up my nose to stop the bleeding] yes
6: good…that’ll teach you not to eat my ice cream
17. They get way too real
things 4th graders say…
Student: How old are you?
Me: I’m 27.
Student: 27? That is close to 30. If you’re 30, you are old.
Me: 30 is not old.
Student: Yes it is. When you’re 30 your hair will become white and you will be old.
Me: I don’t have any white hairs now and I might not have any when I’m 30 either.
Student: That’s good because if you have white hair you might be so old that you die.
18. They’re like a bunch of little Gordon Ramsays
Me: We all make mistakes.
5: Even you?
5: Oh yeah! Like when you’re trying to cook food that tastes good but then it doesn’t?
19. They’re far too judgy
Me: Please get dressed.
9yo: But you’re still in your pajamas!
Me: I AM dressed.
9yo: Is that what you’re calling [waves palm at me] this?
20. And their insults are way too powerful
Just got called a “little butt baby” by a 6 yr old at the playground. Told him I had a PhD in theoretical physics. Didn’t change his mind.