John Clayton Mayer is an American singer-songwriter, guitarist, and producer. He was born in Bridgeport, Connecticut, and raised in nearby Fairfield.
1. When he pointed out the perks of being an *influencer*
If I were a social influencer I’d never buy groceries. I’d just post stuff like “Bounty really is the quicker picker upper” and then wait
2. When he solved all online feuds
I wish there was a rule where you had to share a photo of your dog before you argued with someone online. “WHO’S GONNA PAY F-aw, how old??”
3. When he shared a great plan for tweeting safely
How 2 tweet safely
1. Say ur tweet out loud
2. Pretend ur someone who hates u
3. Attack ur tweet from all angles
4. Wait 10 days
4. When he had a fucking blast during the eclipse
They kept it quiet, but during the eclipse you could swear as much as you wanted without consequence. It’s over now. But what a f’n rush.
5. When he had some beef with online journalism
Sometimes I see a twitter link about someone’s new hair, w/ a pic that isn’t of their new hair. Good time/place for the new hair pic, I say.
6. When he low-key invented a new dating app
Is it possible to have a courtship with someone entirely based on you both liking/not liking IG photos? Like some kind of binary language?
7. When he debunked a myth about celebrities
If I were a 24 year old intern, would I be able to copy Mr. Mayer’s inimitable writing style? No, sir. Not this girl.
8. When he finally saw his Twitter crush IRL
Landing in NYC last night, I saw the gorgeous @EmpireStateBldg and thought “we follow each other on Twitter.” I waved. Nobody else saw.
9. When he replied to a drunk tweeter
Good morning. You were drunk last night and tweeted me. I responded. You were FINE. Don’t worry.
10. When he had his own spelling rules
I always want to spell it “excercise.” Anybody else do this?
11. When he invented “Retox Tea”
Hey everyone I wanna tell you about this great new product, Retox Tea. Some will point out it’s only a bottle of whiskey. Quiet, haters.
12. When he didn’t have time to post a photo on Instagram
Pretend I posted a pic of me on a balcony in Italy with my arms wide open I’m busy gotta run to sound check
13. When he should have been more specific with his celebrity demands
Excuse me, this room temperature water, which I requested, is not the temperature of the room I had in mind.
14. When he shared a controversial food opinion
Peanut M&Ms are plain. Plain M&Ms are sensational.
15. When he shared a not-so-controversial food opinion
If you eat Skittles past the age of 30 you’re making a very specific statement to the world.
16. When he wanted to change the rules of Twitter
I wish tweets didn’t cap at 140 characters. I wanna use phrases like “far be it from me to tell someone else how to live their life, but”
17. When he wanted to reward thunderstorms for their effort
Whenever there’s a thunderstorm, I always have this secret little wish that the power will go out. That’s like a trophy for storms.
18. When he had a lot of regrets after a party
Whenever I come home from a party, I like to play a little game called “why did I tell that story?”
19. When he was a package delivery truther
I’ve never seen the FedEx and UPS guys deliver at the same time. Never even seen em together, come to think of it. Pics please.
20. When he was an authentic Metallica fan
Oh you love Metallica? Name three of their t-shirts.
21. And finally, when he sent out this very *alluring* dating profile
Hi girls I’m John, single, I wear a patch for back pain and have a daily phone alarm set to remind me to take antacid. Real bad boy type.