Her: “I like a man who’s honest.”
Me: *trying to impress* “I don’t think my wife would be happy about me being here.”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Sometimes I see an ambulance & wonder if its for me; like I died moments ago & don’t know it yet
MY DATE: I meant what do u do for a living
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2′
GIRLS DONT EVEN REALIZE HOW BAD THEY WANT ME TIL WE BECOME FB FRIEND & THEY SEE ALL 200 OF MY PROFILE PICS ARE ME MID-RIDE ON ROLLERCOASTERS
Me before a date: don’t dress weird, don’t act weird, don’t say anything weird.
Me showing up to that date:
dunkin donuts cashier hands me my ice tea and our thumbs touch
me: thank you for taking me to this beautiful restaurant for our first date
Hobbies? Long walks in the Woods & watching WWII Documentaries is NOT a good answer for an Online Dating Profile apparently..I know this now
giving out advice instead of candy. kids can get m&ms anywhere but who’s gonna tell’em to never fuck a guy who says I love u on the 1st date
[falls in love]
[raises a family]
[celebrates 50th anniversary]
[on deathbed] so what are we
I have never been on a date where I didn’t spend most of it wondering if I was on a date
me after a glass of wine on the first date
dating in high school: lets make out
dating in college: lets get drunk and make out
dating as an adult: lets do our best to not die alone
Even the name “OK Cupid” sounds like you’re telling love to, like, settle down.
*At my future wedding* “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband”
Me to the groupchat: omg do I say yes or is that desperate
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
A flirty thing to whisper to a guy checking out your butt is “I keep poop in there” but don’t forget to wink or it won’t work
Me: I'm ready to find a man I'm not gonna act weird— Anal Eaze Keating (@deaddilf69) September 5, 2017
Me on the first date: pic.twitter.com/IEnxZn28Vu