Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but-
Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what
Here is a list of things that are invisible:
Kool Aid Man’s kids probably never felt safe when they were masturbating.
[being interviewed after losing beatboxing battle] were you just saying “p-p-p-pulled pork sandwiches” over and over?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
6 minutes after walking into Sephora
me: i mean seriously guys, what idiot gets killed by an astroid
dinosaurs in crowd: wow fuck this guy
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Instead of donating my body to science, I’ll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.
I like the phrase “I wasn’t born yesterday” because it emphasizes the fact that babies are stupid.
Dentist- “You have to wear a mouth guard because you grind too hard.” Me- “On the dance floor?” Dentist- “No. What are you talking about?”
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
which is why i begin my sentences in the middle
big bird was obviously just a man in a suit. but the other ones were too small to contain men. so what the fuck
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
sister: grandma passed away..
me: did that load
My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
WOLVERINE’S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine
WOLVERINE: No, father
WOLVERINE’S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine’s Dad
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching: