every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz baby— dī(ə)ltōn (@lilghosthands) September 10, 2017
[restaurant owners meeting]— k e i t h(@KeetPotato) September 13, 2017
"we should start asking customers if they've been here before"
"absolutely no reason at all"
what's up with this dramatic movie poster font choice. how many did he kill on his first day pic.twitter.com/yrni6PsdMg— Lex Croucher (@lexcanroar) September 7, 2017
Two Ex-Googlers Want To Replace Your Local Ice Cream Parlor With A Shrieking Void That Uses Your Fears As Training Data— Kevin Twohy (@kevintwohy) September 13, 2017
Me: I think my computer's broken— Bear Knee Sanders (@LeBearGirdle) September 18, 2017
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Before u leave the house, think of the acronym 'WOWEE'— Deirdre (@figgled) September 14, 2017
Chocolate digestives are the unsung hero of the biscuit world, no in it for the fame, just keeps its heed down and does the job— Luke Fleming (@LukeFleming10) September 14, 2017
while I respect Dracula's abilities, I can not condone his actions— pierre menard (@PierreMenard) July 14, 2016
The rest of the day after someone calls you cute pic.twitter.com/aCaPdu8Ied— Booferoni Pizza (@Mala_Moot) September 14, 2017
[Funeral]— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) September 3, 2017
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do"
Me *clears throat: "Plethora!"
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
sickest dj feeling is when im making rice and when it boils i turn the hob from highest heat to lowest like yes m8 ave it crowd goes wild— saz (@MANARAxx) September 12, 2017
if my dick small, that's our business. don't bring it up while we play monopoly with my mom, its not my fault you can't manage your money— Big Uzi Vert (@BlvckGrip) September 9, 2017
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that's a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell pic.twitter.com/LM1yhbkW0M— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) September 12, 2017
"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space."— KO™ (@techoglot) September 17, 2017
Terrible joke. Only three stars.
when someone RTs the tweet you tagged them in pic.twitter.com/h7y3Y1uKok—Warden (@brilokuloj) September 11, 2017
R.I.P my moms vagina pic.twitter.com/KgCOjGZse7— im (@booboothefooI) August 13, 2017
Hate when people don't believe my exaggerations. Like, yeah I did wait 7 weeks for the bus once just fuck off.— Joshua Stephenson (@G_Joshhh) September 11, 2017
Me setting my alarm for every 5 minutes in the morning pic.twitter.com/TjCBc9hPcY— a pumpkin spicy boi (@syrianbryn) September 11, 2017
Bröther may i have a Töwel pic.twitter.com/CBg8m57Ez8— (@oscarewilde) September 7, 2017
Me thinking about a joke I told last week pic.twitter.com/HQiuKXvJUW— anna (@nutellaANDpizza) September 14, 2017
Imagine trying some boots on in topshop and turn round to see a lady walking up and down in YOUR sandles..FUMING— Becs (@becca_green_) September 16, 2017
TFW u fave shady tweets from a twitter argument you're not involved in at all pic.twitter.com/J1QpaV3BLg— Spooky Dogfriend (@GrrlGhost) September 9, 2017
she wears HIGH HEELS— future Bachelorette (@squierzz) July 26, 2017
i breed BEAVERS
she's cheer captain and
i've got all these BEAVERS
I told my girlfriend I wrote her a poem but it was just the theme song to King of Queens. pic.twitter.com/2B1H6n7XtX— Mike Recine (@mikerecine) August 29, 2017
I have several questions. pic.twitter.com/ikqFh8dtaw— Dick Derpin (@centrismsucks) August 11, 2017
A relationship like this please pic.twitter.com/3plJZNoCia— frank lotion (@GucciClout) September 14, 2017
things have been kinda weird since i moved in with a twitter porn bot pic.twitter.com/eLj4Pi8y7s— goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) July 26, 2017
stephen king when he found out millennials wanna fuck a killer clown he created initially for people to fear: pic.twitter.com/fYkooT03aP— mir (@skarsgart) September 16, 2017