I’ve convinced our 8-yo that I hate the sound of the vacuum so now she vacuums whenever she’s mad at me.

I highly suggest you tell your kids to help clean up. They won’t do it, but they will disappear and leave you the hell alone for a few.

If you can’t find your kids at home, turn off the Wi-Fi. It won’t take em long 2 find you. Your Welcome!

Never, & I mean NEVER make eye contact with a child on the verge of falling asleep.They will sense your excitement & abort mission!

Parenting hack: turn everything into a race. My 4yos both just got dressed in under 50 seconds.

Parent hack: When you get home, and your kids aren’t there, it’s the perfect time to eat everything you don’t want to share.

Kids were hiding from their chores. Just played a recording of ice cream truck jingles; kids came running…

just put out a plate of vegetables and kids will eat them. Ask them to eat the vegetables and they will scream bloody murder

Mom hack: When your kids don’t finish their lemonade, make margaritas.

Me: clean your room
Kids: *sit n whine for hour*
Me: I can clean faster than u!
Kids: *pick up toys in 10 mins*

Joe: “We’re living the life of luxury! We’ve got BREADSTICKS!”
Parenting hack: keep expectations low.

Me: Time for bed
7: I’m not tired
M: Brush your teeth first
7: I’m too tired

Sometimes I walked past my daughters’ room with headphones connected to nothing so they think I can’t hear them.

How to make a child play with random old, neglected toys…put them in a box by the door for the charity shop!

If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will just eat cereal.
It’s science.

Right now I’m that dad playing hide & seek with my kid so I can actually get shit done while she thinks she has the “perfect” hiding spot.

“Boys, brush your teeth and get in bed or I’ll make you come out here and watch Bieber!”

I’m so grumpy tonight that my kids put themselves to bed just to get away from from me.
Parenting hack.

Parenting hack: offer to call your kid’s teacher to ask why they’re not teaching if your kid says ‘I don’t know’ to ‘what did you learn’?

Parenthood is:
Telling your kids they can’t eat brownies for breakfast, then eating brownies for breakfast after they leave for school.