[meeting my coworker's toddler]
KID: you’re a peepee poopoo!!
ME: hahaha listen little man [kneeling down, dead serious] you are

ME: There was an old woman—
4YO: How old?
M: Old. —who lived in a shoe
4: What shoe?
ME: Please hold all questions until the end on this one

SON: you’re pretty
ME: aww
SON: even when you just waked up you’re so pretty
ME: awww
SON: can i have Doritos for lunch
ME: there it is

Im at the Disney theater & when they started playing that Frozen song all the kids threw their hands up like Hot in Here came on in the club

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

I cut the crust off my daughter’s PB&J and I swear to god I heard her whisper that I’m her bitch now.

My 3 year old tried to remove a stain from our couch by using a dinosaur to fight it.

3-year-old: *dances while walking*
Me: I need you to walk faster.
3: *does faster dance moves*

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

My son thinks he could win American Ninja Warrior but first he needs to get thru the grocery store without his legs getting “wobbly & sore.”

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren’t married and I told him yes, but I honestly don’t know.

Me: [in bathroom]
7yo: [knocks] MOMMY?
Me: Yeah pal
7: IT’S ME
Me: I know
Me: Knew that too

That awful moment when your kid asks to watch “Anal-stasia” and you’re not sure if it’s a cute mistake or if she saw your browser history.

Childproof your house all you want.
They still get in.

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

My son asked what’s it like to be a mom so I asked him what he wants to do today and kept saying “No, we’ll do what I want” until he cried.

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.