My psych professor asked if we’d heard of Pavlov. I said “it rings a bell.” No one laughed, I’m too witty for this class.
David: *plays secret chord*
The Lord: Nice.
Your law firm name is your surname plus the surnames of all the other named partners at your law firm
“Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.”
Terrible joke. Only three stars.
This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined.
Ur mcm looks like a wcw I had in February of last year
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Trying to find the cleanest public restroom stall is the real game of thrones.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Is this fork plastic or metal? pic.twitter.com/54eWcT0HEe— World and Science (@WorldAndScience) August 11, 2017
Javert: AND I AM JAVERT, DO NOT FORGET MY NAME— local asexual thot (@dylanjakemorris) September 11, 2017
IKEA: got it pic.twitter.com/6Zmq88quRq
i rest my case pic.twitter.com/IBRjB0lp9E— childish sadbino (@datassque) August 9, 2017
When your duck is actually really posh pic.twitter.com/qDyNnG4p6p— hoskas (@hoskas) September 18, 2017
Gaga: "Can I get a name?"— Eduardo | Gaga (@BogantesEduardo) June 18, 2017
Gaga: "Don't call me, get out." pic.twitter.com/gWLmBD8A6k
no people pasta this point pic.twitter.com/f21CI7FgPf— bee in the car (@egg_dog) August 9, 2017
My 127 year old baby says thank you but please let her die now pic.twitter.com/qwKKvBnMhq— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) September 24, 2016
Its hard to believe some people because they: pic.twitter.com/2FvzixZr4S— кєи∂яιк (@BIacknmild) September 24, 2017